Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 1-7, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Learn how to forgive people, unless that person is someone that puts his/her hands inside your bag of potato chips without your permission. Those are fighting words.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

All dogs go to heaven except those that walk on two legs.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A little danger is tonic for the soul.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

To a heavy drinker beer is like a favorite uncle that lives in the refrigerator.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

80% of people go to church for the sermon. 10% go for the music. 9% go to make fun of the deaconess’ wigs. You go for the communion wine.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

To fools and blind men you are everything you pretend to be.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Contrary to popular belief, you can not buy a can of whoop ass at the grocery store, even though they are often handed out in the parking lot.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Botox injections are needles full of lies.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your reputation precedes itself if no one bothers to waste their time asking you what you’d do for a Klondike bar.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will hit the lottery at the precise moment dog poop turns white.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Police cars, funerals and Aaron Neville concerts are the least ideal places to ask yourself “What’s the worst that can happen?”

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Any single person who licks himself in public like a puppy is most likely single for that very reason.

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Quote of the week:    “In case you feel self conscious about your looks, don’t. There’s at least one person who likes what they see…even if they are the only person.”

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