Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Learn how to forgive people, unless that person is someone that puts his/her hands inside your bag of potato chips without your permission. Those are fighting words.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
All dogs go to heaven except those that walk on two legs.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
A little danger is tonic for the soul.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
To a heavy drinker beer is like a favorite uncle that lives in the refrigerator.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
80% of people go to church for the sermon. 10% go for the music. 9% go to make fun of the deaconess’ wigs. You go for the communion wine.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
To fools and blind men you are everything you pretend to be.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Contrary to popular belief, you can not buy a can of whoop ass at the grocery store, even though they are often handed out in the parking lot.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Botox injections are needles full of lies.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Your reputation precedes itself if no one bothers to waste their time asking you what you’d do for a Klondike bar.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You will hit the lottery at the precise moment dog poop turns white.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Police cars, funerals and Aaron Neville concerts are the least ideal places to ask yourself “What’s the worst that can happen?”
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Any single person who licks himself in public like a puppy is most likely single for that very reason.
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Quote of the week: “In case you feel self conscious about your looks, don’t. There’s at least one person who likes what they see…even if they are the only person.”
