Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Don’t boast about what you don’t do because chances are you’ve done it before or will do it [again]. #theneversayneversyndrome

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone that says liquor never touched their lips probably sipped it from a straw.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Anyone that has lost power any time during the summer should be inspired to live right so they don’t wind up spending eternity in hell.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Getting rid of yesterday’s outdoor smell requires more effort than accidentally spilling a glass of water in your lap.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

It defeats the purpose to hide unmanageable hair underneath a nappy wig.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Some people learn to be old gossips at a very young age.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If a dog will bring a bone, he’ll take a bone.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Excuses are only good to the people that make them.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It’s a crime punishable by death to steal fries from a customer’s bag at McDonalds. …or at least it should be.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today is your day to A) tell people where to go and B) get the crap beaten out of you.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are likely to lose three minutes [too long] of your life listening to someone ramble about something you don’t care about.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Today you may spend more time with someone that you love just as much as flies love swatters.

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Quote of the week:    “Stress believes everything is an emergency.”