Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Don’t boast about what you don’t do because chances are you’ve done it before or will do it [again]. #theneversayneversyndrome
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Someone that says liquor never touched their lips probably sipped it from a straw.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Anyone that has lost power any time during the summer should be inspired to live right so they don’t wind up spending eternity in hell.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Getting rid of yesterday’s outdoor smell requires more effort than accidentally spilling a glass of water in your lap.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
It defeats the purpose to hide unmanageable hair underneath a nappy wig.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Some people learn to be old gossips at a very young age.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
If a dog will bring a bone, he’ll take a bone.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Excuses are only good to the people that make them.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
It’s a crime punishable by death to steal fries from a customer’s bag at McDonalds. …or at least it should be.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Today is your day to A) tell people where to go and B) get the crap beaten out of you.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You are likely to lose three minutes [too long] of your life listening to someone ramble about something you don’t care about.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Today you may spend more time with someone that you love just as much as flies love swatters.
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Quote of the week: “Stress believes everything is an emergency.”
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