Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

A man with no nose unsurprisingly believes his shit doesn’t stink.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is a higher power watching over you. It’s called the Government.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your idea of a fun weekend is watching underwear spin in the dryer.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The person standing next to you steals loose grapes from the super market and hides them in his socks.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Rum is to coke what bricks are to windows.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone with the breath of armadillo chips will change your life in ways unimaginable.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you’re going to be called a liar, you might as well make an effort to deserve the name.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Dirt is nature’s final food.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Eating crow doesn’t give you indigestion. It just leaves feathers in your throat.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

It’s time to make an appointment with an eye doctor when you start confusing a mouth full of cold sores with beauty marks.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A person that doesn’t like to be told what to do gets offended when you tell them to have a nice day so don’t bother.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Anyone with sense is someone you need to hang around. However those sensible people feel the same way, so if you have no sense, you’re short.  

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Quote of the week:    “Don’t insult a mall cop. He carries a flashlight and he’s not afraid to use it.”