Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
A man with no nose unsurprisingly believes his shit doesn’t stink.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
There is a higher power watching over you. It’s called the Government.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Your idea of a fun weekend is watching underwear spin in the dryer.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
The person standing next to you steals loose grapes from the super market and hides them in his socks.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Rum is to coke what bricks are to windows.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Someone with the breath of armadillo chips will change your life in ways unimaginable.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
If you’re going to be called a liar, you might as well make an effort to deserve the name.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Dirt is nature’s final food.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Eating crow doesn’t give you indigestion. It just leaves feathers in your throat.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
It’s time to make an appointment with an eye doctor when you start confusing a mouth full of cold sores with beauty marks.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
A person that doesn’t like to be told what to do gets offended when you tell them to have a nice day so don’t bother.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Anyone with sense is someone you need to hang around. However those sensible people feel the same way, so if you have no sense, you’re short.
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Quote of the week: “Don’t insult a mall cop. He carries a flashlight and he’s not afraid to use it.”