Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Daytime television may motivate you to realize how much time you waste doing nothing.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A man that defends himself in court has a fool for a lawyer and a jackass for a client.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Skinny dipping is a way for two or more consenting adults to practice baptizing.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

When there is only one road to travel no one gets lost unless someone is an idiot.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

If you talk about people you don’t know or places you’ve never been, chances are you talk too much.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You need to know everyone that dips their fingers in a community pot, especially if there are no napkins.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You will receive a traffic citation for texting while street racing a blind man on a bike.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

It takes a special man or woman to get his/her butt hairs braided at an African hair gallery.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You may suffer from an acute case of turrets syndrome of belching.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will get laryngitis in the middle finger and will be unable to tell anyone to f%ck off for three days.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

$hit inevitably hits the fan with every enormous dose of boiled eggs.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Don’t call out of work tomorrow with an excuse of being sick. Rather call out blind because you just won’t see it happening.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:    “Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.”