Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Daytime television may motivate you to realize how much time you waste doing nothing.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
A man that defends himself in court has a fool for a lawyer and a jackass for a client.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Skinny dipping is a way for two or more consenting adults to practice baptizing.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
When there is only one road to travel no one gets lost unless someone is an idiot.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
If you talk about people you don’t know or places you’ve never been, chances are you talk too much.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You need to know everyone that dips their fingers in a community pot, especially if there are no napkins.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You will receive a traffic citation for texting while street racing a blind man on a bike.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
It takes a special man or woman to get his/her butt hairs braided at an African hair gallery.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You may suffer from an acute case of turrets syndrome of belching.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You will get laryngitis in the middle finger and will be unable to tell anyone to f%ck off for three days.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
$hit inevitably hits the fan with every enormous dose of boiled eggs.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Don’t call out of work tomorrow with an excuse of being sick. Rather call out blind because you just won’t see it happening.
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Quote of the week: “Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.”
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