I got a text message from an old boyfriend (whom I haven’t spoken to in about six winters) asking me for a “hook up.” When I told him I don’t “hook up” any more, but am rather waiting on a more emotion-based relationship, he told me he doesn’t do relationships any more, but that he could whisper “I love you,” in my ear while we’re doing it. Should I be offended?
Well I Never
Dear Well I Never,
I hope you don’t hold it against me for laughing hard enough to feel an urge to pee. Did he really tell you he’d whisper he loves you in your ear in return for some yum yum? That’s priceless, bold and pressed. I only hope and pray you didn’t entertain that conversation any longer than it took for him to muster up that bullshit.
I don’t think it’d be worth your time getting upset over your ex. When you think about it, you should be flattered. If you haven’t seen him in [your words] six winters, then you must have whipped something good on him to make him call you out of the blue for any reason, let alone for just sex. Pat yourself on the back.
The fact that he proceeded to proposition you after your telling him your candy factory was temporarily out of business tells me that the only thing he respects about you is your womb. At that point you should have fallen to your knees and prayed that his penis hole locks up every time he goes to the bathroom to do number one.
To put it simply though, all you have to do is respect your differences in opinion in the approach to sexual behavior and rest comfortably in knowing he’s nothing but a ho waiting to welcome the possibility of a disease serious enough to make a vital body part fall off and you’re not.
Being mad or offended over his ignorance gives him unwarranted power over you, not to mention gives you wrinkles. When it comes down to the wire, I wouldn’t blame you for thanking him for reminding you why you two are exes in the first place. Mr. T said it best when he said, “I pity the fool!” because homeboy needs some help. And by “help” I mean “to grow up.”