This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I got a text message from an old boyfriend (whom I haven’t spoken to in about six winters) asking me for a “hook up.” When I told him I don’t “hook up” any more, but am rather waiting on a more emotion-based relationship, he told me he doesn’t do relationships any more, but that he could whisper “I love you,” in my ear while we’re doing it.  Should I be offended?

Well I Never

Dear Well I Never,

I hope you don’t hold it against me for laughing hard enough to feel an urge to pee. Did he really tell you he’d whisper he loves you in your ear in return for some yum yum? That’s priceless, bold and pressed. I only hope and pray you didn’t entertain that conversation any longer than it took for him to muster up that bullshit.

I don’t think it’d be worth your time getting upset over your ex. When you think about it, you should be flattered. If you haven’t seen him in [your words] six winters, then you must have whipped something good on him to make him call you out of the blue for any reason, let alone for just sex. Pat yourself on the back.

The fact that he proceeded to proposition you after your telling him your candy factory was temporarily out of business tells me that the only thing he respects about you is your womb. At that point you should have fallen to your knees and prayed that his penis hole locks up every time he goes to the bathroom to do number one.

To put it simply though, all you have to do is respect your differences in opinion in the approach to sexual behavior and rest comfortably in knowing he’s nothing but a ho waiting to welcome the possibility of a disease serious enough to make a vital body part fall off and you’re not.

Being mad or offended over his ignorance gives him unwarranted power over you, not to mention gives you wrinkles. When it comes down to the wire, I wouldn’t blame you for thanking him for reminding you why you two are exes in the first place. Mr. T said it best when he said, “I pity the fool!” because homeboy needs some help. And by “help” I mean “to grow up.”

Hottywood

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 26-September 1, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Live and let live even if it kills you.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your maturity is measured by the cleanliness of your bathroom.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

“Oops,” is Chinese for “Shit,” for anyone that doesn’t speak Chinese.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Before you judge someone else for being wrong, it might be necessary to acknowledge first that you ain’t right.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Today’s stupidity will be the reason behind tomorrrow’s tax fraud investigation.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A free gift, paid for with a five finger discount, will be given to you for a price.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Don’t start no “sh-,” won’t be no “-it.”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

If you’re interested in learning about lying, follow an immigrant into a local police station.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Rubbing your thighs together during a power outage could save your life.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You don’t throw a brick at someone’s head without telling them to duck if you have no intentions of cracking their skull.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

While your enemy wastes his time swinging at you, your strategy is not to get hit. When he gets tired, clobber the mother%@#!

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You may have to step out of line to put someone else in theirs.  

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Quote of the week:    “Do who what you want and want who what you do.”

 

Weather’s Fashion Mix-up

School is in. Summer vacations are out. With the change in the calendar seasons comes a bit of confusion on the fashion front, as well. 

In recent days, weeks and/or months, we’ve seen a saddening trend of

white Socks and Sandals (which is the beginning of an oxymoron of a fashion failure)

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Skinny Jeans for men

(which almost slaps the concept of masculinity in the face)

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Bush Weaves

(hopefully for women ONLY, which also defeats a purpose of covering unkempt natural hair with synthetic tresses)

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Sagging Jeans that shows off skid marks in underwear

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and eye blinding False Eyelashes.

Fashion, as fickle and contagious as it is, no doubt will not fail to disappoint with the onset of a season transition. This fall and winter, we have to look forward to the rising of winter wear confused with the passing of a preceding seasonal trend. That’s right boys and girls. Get your boxing gloves ready to punch the crap out of those folks that will purposely pair flip-flops or shorts with winter coats.

The winter of 2012 will surely bring a basket full of people that simply will not let go of the warm weather, and as a result, will suffer [by choice] from hypothermia and frost bite in vital places of their bodies. 

All I can say is, “Is be careful what you ask for.” Sadly, our society bounces from one extreme to the another. Oh the joys of Americanism.

…and Stupidityism.

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Quote of the Week:  “The difference between style and fashion is quality.”

-Giorgio Armani

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 19-25, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Some people hear. Some people listen. You only listen when there is something worth hearing.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Information of Value: Birds chirp because if they barked, they would be sold to a gypsy sideshow circus.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Music is a universal language provided you are not deaf.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you can squeeze blood out of a rock, chances are the blood is coming from your hand and not the rock because you can’t squeeze blood out of a rock, dummy.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

It’s okay to have a relationship with yourself, but if you’re the only person you know, things can get a little weird…not to mention lonely. And no one will want to shake your hand.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Open your eyes. Open your ears. Open your mind. Close your mouth.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

It’s never fun to stand on the receiving end of a rocket launcher.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Just because there is snow on the roof doesn’t mean there isn’t a fire in the furnace.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your need to move slowly today has largely to do with you having to do number two.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will find that the only person willing to rally for one of your great ideas is not a person at all, but rather a goldfish.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

One person too many will call you fat today – with an “F.” Not a “Ph.”

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

When your deodorant fails, it’s time to stand apart from a crowd.

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Quote of the week:    “Don’t insult a mall cop. He has a flashlight and he’s not afraid to use it.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 12-18, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The 11th commandment is the most important of them all. “Thou shalt not get caught.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is some crap up with which you will not put.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You have OCD and ADD, so you will forget to wash your hands about a million times a day.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

At some point you may get or may have gotten robbed in the tunnel of love.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your biggest accomplishment is barely graduating high school.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Accidentally pouring sour milk in a bowl of Lucky Charms negates the cereal’s name.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Things could be worse. You could have the job of a roll of toilet paper.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You can solve all of your problems by tossing them to the bottom of a 2 liter bottle of root beer.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The next time someone asks you how you’re feeling, tell them “With my fingers.”

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There’s no point in being mad at a thief for stealing what you’ve stolen from someone else. You’ll both be sitting in hell together.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

This week talking to you will run neck and neck in purpose as ironing a shirt that was intentionally made to be wrinkled.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you’ve been running a long way just to talk about someone else, chances are you are running from an ugly truth about yourself and it won’t be long before you fall and land with your foot in your mouth. 

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Quote of the week:    “A man with no nose unsurprisingly believes his shit doesn’t stink.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I’m sending you this inquiry from work. My sisters keep calling me on my job to talk about family drama that has me weighed down. How can I get them to respect the fact that I can’t take personal calls at work and don’t want to be stressed out with home worries while I’m on government time?  

Blood Thinner 

Dear Blood Thinner, 

Your answer is simple. Don’t answer the damn phone! If you have caller ID, like most office phones do now-a-days, when you see their number flash on the screen, ignore it. If they call you on your cell phone, don’t pick up. You can simplify this by giving your sisters each a Grim Reaper specialty ringtone. If you have a smart phone, there’s an app both in the Android and Blackberry market that allows you to block certain callers. Look into it. It’s worth the free investment. 

If you really want to piss them off, buy a dog whistle and blow it in their ear every time they call you, because I know when they ring your phone the first word that pops into your head is “Bitch!” And a bitch is a female dog. See where I’m going with this? 

The bottom line is you don’t have to deal with their drama, especially on your paid (and unpaid) time or on your phone. The word ‘family’ is not synonymous with ‘control’. You shit and piss the same way they do, so their control over you is no greater than yours is over yourself. Deal with them when you want to, not when they want you to. If they can’t handle that it’s their problem not yours, or as some eloquent trashy person would say, “F-ck ‘em!”  

Hottywood