Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The 11^th commandment is the most important of them all. “Thou shalt not get caught.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is some crap up with which you will not put.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You have OCD and ADD, so you will forget to wash your hands about a million times a day.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

At some point you may get or may have gotten robbed in the tunnel of love.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your biggest accomplishment is barely graduating high school.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Accidentally pouring sour milk in a bowl of Lucky Charms negates the cereal’s name.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Things could be worse. You could have the job of a roll of toilet paper.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You can solve all of your problems by tossing them to the bottom of a 2 liter bottle of root beer.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The next time someone asks you how you’re feeling, tell them “With my fingers.”

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There’s no point in being mad at a thief for stealing what you’ve stolen from someone else. You’ll both be sitting in hell together.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

This week talking to you will run neck and neck in purpose as ironing a shirt that was intentionally made to be wrinkled.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you’ve been running a long way just to talk about someone else, chances are you are running from an ugly truth about yourself and it won’t be long before you fall and land with your foot in your mouth. 

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Quote of the week:    “A man with no nose unsurprisingly believes his shit doesn’t stink.”