Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
The 11th commandment is the most important of them all. “Thou shalt not get caught.”
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
There is some crap up with which you will not put.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You have OCD and ADD, so you will forget to wash your hands about a million times a day.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
At some point you may get or may have gotten robbed in the tunnel of love.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your biggest accomplishment is barely graduating high school.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Accidentally pouring sour milk in a bowl of Lucky Charms negates the cereal’s name.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Things could be worse. You could have the job of a roll of toilet paper.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You can solve all of your problems by tossing them to the bottom of a 2 liter bottle of root beer.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
The next time someone asks you how you’re feeling, tell them “With my fingers.”
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
There’s no point in being mad at a thief for stealing what you’ve stolen from someone else. You’ll both be sitting in hell together.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
This week talking to you will run neck and neck in purpose as ironing a shirt that was intentionally made to be wrinkled.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
If you’ve been running a long way just to talk about someone else, chances are you are running from an ugly truth about yourself and it won’t be long before you fall and land with your foot in your mouth.
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Quote of the week: “A man with no nose unsurprisingly believes his shit doesn’t stink.”
