Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 19-25, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Some people hear. Some people listen. You only listen when there is something worth hearing.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Information of Value: Birds chirp because if they barked, they would be sold to a gypsy sideshow circus.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Music is a universal language provided you are not deaf.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you can squeeze blood out of a rock, chances are the blood is coming from your hand and not the rock because you can’t squeeze blood out of a rock, dummy.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

It’s okay to have a relationship with yourself, but if you’re the only person you know, things can get a little weird…not to mention lonely. And no one will want to shake your hand.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Open your eyes. Open your ears. Open your mind. Close your mouth.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

It’s never fun to stand on the receiving end of a rocket launcher.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Just because there is snow on the roof doesn’t mean there isn’t a fire in the furnace.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your need to move slowly today has largely to do with you having to do number two.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will find that the only person willing to rally for one of your great ideas is not a person at all, but rather a goldfish.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

One person too many will call you fat today – with an “F.” Not a “Ph.”

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

When your deodorant fails, it’s time to stand apart from a crowd.

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Quote of the week:    “Don’t insult a mall cop. He has a flashlight and he’s not afraid to use it.”

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