Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 23-29, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Don’t be surprised by the words, “We’d like to invite you not to live with us.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The first time you see a pretty person look ugly it will make you happy.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are the perfect third wheel.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your gut will tell you to follow two things: your heart and a stairwell to the bathroom. Listen to it.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You only need to remember one rule to survive in the business world: “No business during business hours.”

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

There’s not one other life you’d rather not have.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Where you come from, friends don’t chew on each others ear lobes. Aren’t you glad you don’t live there anymore?

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Trashy is the new classy.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Always accept the “Plus one (+1)” ticket. Take your ego has your guest.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There is no way you can let someone else be the BIGGER bigger person than you.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You picked the perfect outfit to drive someone away.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Congratulations! You’ve been elected president of the convenient excuse club.

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Quote of the week:    “You can’t spell ‘Blame’ without ‘Bla’.

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I have a cousin that downs me all time but comes to my aid whenever I call for a quick buck. Just recently he told me if I ask for a loan one more time, he’s going to cut me off. Personally I think he’s being a little selfish. I mean, isn’t that what family is for…helping out each other?  

PayDayLoan 

Dear PayDayLoan, 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I happen to agree that your cousin should cut you off. Based on what you’re telling me it sounds like you have imposed on his pockets one time too many. I don’t necessarily think he should badmouth you, but if you always have your hand held out, it’s not surprising that he’s tired of your begging, and no common human being (that I know anyway) can keep that kind of annoyance to himself. It sounds to me as if you’re the selfish one because you expect him to support you on the foundation of blood relation. 

No man, unless he’s your husband or sugar daddy, should have to support your needs and his. If you’re a woman you could probably skate by a few times. If you’re a man you ought to punch yourself in the stomach. A grown ass man, if he can’t do anything else, ought to be able to take care of himself. If it were me, I’d tell your ass to go out and get a j-o-b so you can learn and appreciate independence. Not to mention keep your hands out of my pocket. 

Maybe there’s more to this story that you’re not telling me. Maybe you’re doing something for him that is equivalent to his financial sustainment to/for you. Maybe what you’ve told me is what it is, the beginning and the end. Whatever the deal, he has a right to say “no” when it comes to his money for your needs. Instead of being pissy about it, you should consider doing something to change your circumstances. 

I probably didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear but I’m sure I told you something that you needed to hear. In the long run this advice is more valuable than the dollars you can no longer borrow from your cousin. Good luck with that.

Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 16-22, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Don’t pay any attention to the negative comments people say about you even if the rest of the world thinks the exact same thing.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

In case you didn’t know, sweat and pee are cousins.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Today is all about change; beginning with your underwear.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If a wolf protects a lamb, he will protect a lamb from other wolves but he will eventually eat the lamb himself.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You have enough money saved to last you the rest of your life…if you die tomorrow.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Feet and warm weather can be a bad combination.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Two queens in the same room can not rule one kingdom.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

An invisible sea monster lives inside your washing machine and will eat one of each pair of your socks.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you can spell it you can have it, but first you have to figure out what it is before you can get it.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

A cheap date will surprise you by taking you to a classy joint called Chez Shithole.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone knows you well enough to know that when you’re not talking, you’re not thinking.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your definition of selfish: The day you can’t help a friend in need is the day you have something better to do.

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Quote of the week:    “Six in one hand; half dozen in the other.”

The 90s Wants its Style Back

It’s been a while since I’ve taken time out of my busy schedule to gripe about something that I personally can live without. And by “a while,” I mean all of “six hours.”

To date I’ve complained about sunglasses at night, skinny jeans, sagging jeans, white socks and sandals and extreme false eyelashes. Today I want to shake a finger at a style I wish would have stayed dead in the late 80s and early 90s. This complaint is dedicated to all of my homies that are stuck in the past and [I guess] all of my homiettes that take testosterone pills, who’ve also happened to steal this style falsity from the likes of Christopher “Kid” Reid and Grace Jones, two people who look just as weird as their haircuts.

Fellas (and ladies if applicable), high tops fades, no matter how hard you try, is not a fad that is running to crawl down any catwalks in this millennium. I don’t know who the hell told you that this style was inching its way back for a second wind, but whoever it was lied to you! I suppose it’s one thing to see grade school kids (even though kids in grades seven and up should know better) trying to get away with this fashion faux pas, but when grown ass men make conscious decisions to turn back the clock and grow crops on the crowns of their heads, that’s bordering a line that boasts, “…a damn shame!”

I’m not going to bother to go into detail about how stupid some of you look. Your hair outlines your stupidity, so there’s just no need for me to waste my breath. But I will warn you and the ten other people on the planet that thinks this haircut is jamming on the one that there are plenty of people aimlessly roaming the city streets, myself not included, that wish your silly high top fades were a kick me sign.

The good news is that you’re not the only idiot thinking you are rocking a new trend.

The bad news is that you’re not the only idiot thinking you are rocking a new trend.

Take heed to my advice. Get a pair of bush whackers and cut that shit off quickly! Trust me. It’s better that this news is coming from me rather than my cougar, Joan Rivers. Your butt will thank me in the end.

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Quote of the Week:  “Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 9-15, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If it comes up in conversation, YMCA does not spell (pronounced) “Yĭm-ka.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your social and mental powers are unusually strong, and others can’t help but take you seriously. Pinch yourself to make sure you’re not dreaming because most people usually take you for a joke.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

This week you will dance around the truth. If your feet were hands, they’d slap you.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will discover something new and exciting in your neighbor’s pants. Start hoping now that the neighbor’s spouse doesn’t find out or your buns will be toast.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Look in the mirror and repeat these words, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, how many wrinkles do you count overall?”

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your pimples are maturing.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Someone may save you the trouble of not caring enough to change you. They’ll hate you just as you are.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A maid by any other name still gets paid the same.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

From sweaty hands sprout warts.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Advise all of your friends to wear sunshades because today is the day for your forehead to shine.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are about as subtle as a garlic sandwich.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A nuisance will do anything you ask him to except go away.

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Quote of the week:    “One lingering hangover can cause you to wear the same outfit for five days.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I’m doing volunteer work at a job that I really love, but my supervisor treats me as if I’m receiving a paycheck every two weeks. What can I do to make her get off my back?  

Volunteer JD127 

Dear Volunteer JD127 

The easy answer to this question would be to quit…or fold your hands under your armpits and flap them like a duck. Oddly, I seem to be the only person that finds that enjoyable so I have five other suggestions for you: 

  1. Tell your boss to back the hell off or else consider the cuss out she has coming as your official letter of resignation. Be careful with that threat though, because if you’re already working for free, your $0 salary won’t be missed. 
  2. Show up to work wearing an “I work for peanuts” t-shirt. That’ll send a message out to your supervisor with an implication that you are either tired of working for no pay or you’re too cheap, poor, or ignorant to wear more work appropriate clothes. 
  3. Walk around the office with a coffee mug and refuse to do any tasks or assignments unless someone drops a coin in the cup (accept nothing smaller than a quarter). NO REFUNDS. 
  4. Tell your boss to kiss part of your ass. You don’t want to offend her by telling her to kiss your entire ass so part will do. Particularly the part where the shit comes out. 
  5. Lastly, if none of the other suggestions work out in your favor find a new place to render your services. As long as you are working like a dog for a master that’s not giving up a bone, you hold all the power. Trust me. Finding a job to hire you for no pay is probably the easiest thing in the world to do. 

If you’re going to be expected to work hard, then money, respect and free lunch should be the first three things on your list of priorities.

Hottywood