Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If it comes up in conversation, YMCA does not spell (pronounced) “Yĭm-ka.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your social and mental powers are unusually strong, and others can’t help but take you seriously. Pinch yourself to make sure you’re not dreaming because most people usually take you for a joke.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

This week you will dance around the truth. If your feet were hands, they’d slap you.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will discover something new and exciting in your neighbor’s pants. Start hoping now that the neighbor’s spouse doesn’t find out or your buns will be toast.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Look in the mirror and repeat these words, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, how many wrinkles do you count overall?”

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your pimples are maturing.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Someone may save you the trouble of not caring enough to change you. They’ll hate you just as you are.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A maid by any other name still gets paid the same.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

From sweaty hands sprout warts.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Advise all of your friends to wear sunshades because today is the day for your forehead to shine.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are about as subtle as a garlic sandwich.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A nuisance will do anything you ask him to except go away.

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Quote of the week:    “One lingering hangover can cause you to wear the same outfit for five days.”