Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 16-22, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Don’t pay any attention to the negative comments people say about you even if the rest of the world thinks the exact same thing.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

In case you didn’t know, sweat and pee are cousins.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Today is all about change; beginning with your underwear.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If a wolf protects a lamb, he will protect a lamb from other wolves but he will eventually eat the lamb himself.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You have enough money saved to last you the rest of your life…if you die tomorrow.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Feet and warm weather can be a bad combination.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Two queens in the same room can not rule one kingdom.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

An invisible sea monster lives inside your washing machine and will eat one of each pair of your socks.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you can spell it you can have it, but first you have to figure out what it is before you can get it.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

A cheap date will surprise you by taking you to a classy joint called Chez Shithole.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone knows you well enough to know that when you’re not talking, you’re not thinking.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your definition of selfish: The day you can’t help a friend in need is the day you have something better to do.

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Quote of the week:    “Six in one hand; half dozen in the other.”

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