This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

Since the recent hurricane was perfect weather for a booty call, I decided to step out for a hookup. I went to visit an old flame, which I dated briefly until we broke up (because I was soooo not interested). He on the other hand never lost interest [in me], so I knew hooking up with him was a sure thing. To my surprise, I wasn’t expecting the bus/train service to be suspended. I ended up being stuck with this guy all night. Now he calls and texts me nonstop as if we’re in a relationship. HELP! Make him leave me alone!  

Sandy

Dear Sandy, 

Before you can make the calls stop, you have to understand that you brought this on yourself. You went out with a full intent to mess with a man’s head (no pun intended), and in the end you got stuck with the short end of the stick. I certainly hope you at least got what you wanted. I already know you got more than you bargained for. You ignored his desire to be with you on a higher level than “just” sex just so you could get your rocks off. It sounds to me as if Mother Nature wanted to teach you a lesson. So I guess everyone that was affected by Super Storm Sandy can thank your horniness for loss of power, flooding and a full city shut down. 

Now that we’ve both concluded that there are consequences for using your magical powers for personal gain, I can help you with your immediate problem. 

If this guy had feelings for you before you rode him into the sunset; you should know that it isn’t going to be easy to get him to stop calling you. You can tell him to stop but that never works. You can threaten him but he might like it. He may perceive your threats as a game of cat and mouse. In his eyes, you wouldn’t have f*cked him if you weren’t interested in him on some level. And some level is better than no level at all. 

Here are some ideas for you to consider: 

  1. Route your incoming calls to the nearest morgue. There’s no message more clear or permanent than death.
  2. If/When you answer his calls, respond to everything he says in your best handicapped pirate voice. If you can help it, drool out of the corners of your mouth. It’ll make your words much harder to understand.
  3. If/When you answer his calls, make sure you have a bag of corn chips nearby. Crunch in his ear during your entire conversation. If this doesn’t annoy him, it will piss him off and he’ll probably never want to speak to you again. …or he’ll never eat corn chips again.
  4. If/When you answer his calls, bark like a dog or moo like a cow. I don’t know if this will work but I’m sure he’ll think your ass is crazy. 

If none of these suggestions work out in your favor, I’m afraid your last resort is to take the highest low road, like any other normal person, and change your name only when he calls. That way when he rings your phone and asks for you, you won’t be lying when you say, “There’s no one here by that name.” 

Good luck!

Hottywood

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

Why is it no one likes to warn a guy when his fly is open? I think I’ve been walking around all day showing my goods.  

Breezy 

Dear Breezy, 

The reason why no one makes an effort to let a man know when his fly is open is because everyone on the planet is secretly an undercover pervert. That’d be my easy one-liner answer. 

In an attempt to boost your ego, I could say that you should be flattered when no one tells you your zipper is down, supporting that comment with a thought that everyone wants to see or is impressed by what you’re working with. But if you allow time to fast forward by just a hare, the dust will settle and the truth will kick in. 

Women won’t warn you because they are embarrassed (some women anyway) to let you know they are [blatantly] looking at your crotch. They don’t want to give you the wrong idea or impression about themselves and their [sexual] values. 

Men won’t warn you because their masculinity and reputation would be at stake. If a man tells you your fly is open, he will fear you’ll believe he’s been staring at your family jewels and the next thing you know he’ll be convinced you think he’s gay. 

The best way to avoid this kind of situation is to use duct tape or staples to keep your pants fastened. You could also trade in your trousers for a medieval jumpsuit of armor. Be warned however that once you are clad in a metal suit, it won’t be quite as easy to whip out your piece and do your business when you have to go number one behind a bush.

Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 21-27, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Having two pair of the same mismatched socks can only double your luck, provided no one laughs at your dumb ass for wearing mismatched socks.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone will dare you to dial 911 and ask them how long they stay open.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The person sitting next to you isn’t really sitting. They’re just short…or else your eyes are going bad.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab them and hang on like a dog with a stick. Growl a bit, too. That always sends a message.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your lucky sexy body fragrance for the week of October 21st is pomegranate poppy seed onion bagel. Wear it with pride, and with caution, and around people that have no nose.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It’s not you. It’s your bed mattress that needs diapers.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

All it takes is one time to wear underwear made out of ground beef to realize (or at least understand) why it isn’t a good idea to wear underwear made out of ground beef.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Those unbalanced emotions of yours will one day explain why you constantly have candlelit big mac dinners for one.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You will appreciate the job you had and didn’t want after you’ve been fired.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There’s no way to deny yourself as the big fish in a little pond as long as you bathe in the same bathtub as goldfish.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Try to talk to someone other than yourself today. Better yet, try to get someone to talk to you for a change.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Don’t go out today without a spatula. Do it and see what happens.

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Quote of the week:    “Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

In the past few weeks I have been bombarded with a barrage of phone calls from bill collectors threatening to collect debts. My finances are short and my patience is even shorter. To top it off, my pal (that gets fired from every job and is even poorer than I am) keeps insisting on advising me on how to manage my money. What’s a guy to do?  

Final Notice 

Dear Final Notice, 

I am a religious man. Though I usually keep my religious beliefs to myself (or at least restrict myself from sharing unless and until appropriate), I am going to jump out on a limb here and suggest you fall to your ashy knees and pray to the high heavens that it rains quarters for the next forty days and forty nights. 

Owing money to creditors is a life normalcy so there really is no trick for you to cope with your debt. If you want to free yourself from financial woes, pay your bills. You could rob a bank but then you’ll have a whole other set of worries to deal with, especially if karma, a police warden or a bald headed cell block inmate has anything to say about it. You could hide under a rock but that’s just as uncomfortable as it sounds. You could avoid paying one bill in order to pay another but then you’ll still be stuck in the same financial bind you’re in now. You could shave all your hair off and change your name to something virtually impossible to pronounce but that won’t resolve anything at all. It’ll just be funny to hear people try to pronounce your name, and still you run the risk of not answering because you’ll forget anyone that calls you by your new name is referring to you. You’ll probably even respond by asking him/her who the fu*k he/she is talking to.   

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that as long as you refuse to pay your bills, you will be indebted. The financial fall out may not affect you immediately but in the long run your credit will suffer, you’ll never be able to borrow from a bank, your interest rates will be through the roof on anything you attempt to finance, and all of your friends will laugh at you because the only thing you’ll have more than them is collection notices. The only way out of your mess is to pay off your balances. You may be broke while paying them but you can rest easy in the phrase “This too shall pass,” once you convince yourself that you actually believe the phrase. 

As far as your broke ass friend advising you on how to manage your money goes, ask him to advise you on how to get fired from a job. His embarrassment should shut him up for a while. If the embarrassment doesn’t quiet him down, your laughing at him will. His employment credibility is screwed, so finding a gainful job will be just as difficult for him as paying off your creditors is for you. Just imagine him passing out flyers at a metro station for his means of living. You know those people. They are the ones that get mad because the people they hand their flyers to are the same people that throw those flyers in the trash. Not only will he have a meaningless job for the rest of his life, but that job will also be in vain.

Hottywood

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I’ve been having a string of bad luck with women. Getting a date, or even just sex, isn’t a problem. I just can’t seem to find a quality woman. I’m constantly running into women that are more interested in settling down with a ‘bad boy,’ which, as luck would have it, I am not. What is wrong with me? Why are women attracted to bad boys?  

Door Number Three 

Dear Door Number Three, 

You are asking a question most ‘good’ guys have been asking for generations. I’ve had a chance to survey a group of women on this inquiry and my findings have been quite interesting. 

It seems that in an attempt to make their women happy, good guys are a lot softer than guys with a bad boy image. That’s not to be confused with sexuality or masculinity. Guys that stand in the public eye as an ideal man to settle down with seemingly go the extra mile to extend the life of their relationships. For example, good guys tend to let their women make most or all of the decisions ranging from what/where to eat, what movies/channels to watch, all the way down to when and how to make love. Though women like to feel included in their relationship(s), they by nature are backseat driving leaders. They run their household, take care of their kids and often times serve as both mother and father.

Women are attracted to bad boys because that untamed image displays a straight to the point assertiveness that most good guys hold back in an effort to please their women. Bad boys tell their women what they want, when they want it and how they want it. They make the rules and decisions and their word is usually final. They omit sappy emotions and often put themselves first. They allow a woman to sit back and be a passenger on the ride of a relationship. Even if and when the ride is bumpy, the woman does not have to take control of the wheel.  Women love nice guys but sometimes being too nice is bad – boring even. They don’t necessarily want a guy to be a jerk. They don’t want him to be a pushover either. They don’t want to be controlled but they sometimes want someone else to take control. 

If you’re insistent that your concern is a matter of good guy vs. bad boy, embrace your inner jerk every now and then and see where that leads you. Take off your dress and put on a spine. Don’t ask questions, make statements. Don’t give a choice, make a decision. Tell your lady friend(s) what you want and what you don’t want. Don’t entertain their arguments [all the time]. Don’t drop your hat when they call your name. You might find it surprising that chicks will find that untapped part of you as attractive as the smell of icing on a cake is to a fat kid. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not encouraging you to become a just-add-water asshole. I’m only suggesting that you jag your edges a little bit.

Keep in mind though that your problem of settling down with quality women may not necessarily have anything to do with you. You could just be dealing with the wrong [type of] women. If that’s the case find a new place to hang out.

Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 14-20, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If you can recite the entire second row of a computer keyboard as one word really fast three times in a row, your sex life will improve by 17% for the next thirty days.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The only thing worse than having bunions all over your feet is having a handful of thumbs for toes.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Refusing a free cheeseburger from an albino Smurf is considered bad luck in some cultures.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

A smelly old lady with the skin of a Tyrannosaurus Rex will rub you the wrong way three hours from 5am tomorrow morning.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The next time you eat sushi, think of five little words: The Little Mermaid and Finding Nemo.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You can’t judge a scroll by its paper.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

-$37.00 is motive for the assault of a bill collector.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Watch your blind spot or you’ll wind up blind-sided.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can’t judge trash by the bag it’s in.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You might have to deal with the aftermath of having no toilet paper on hand after eating a chili bean hotdog.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You can’t make yourself happy bringing misery to other people unless getting your butt kicked brings you joy.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You do your best thinking when you steal someone else’s idea.

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Quote of the week:    “These days, whipping a child with a tree branch like your grandparents did you will have your ass locked up in a room with no windows, decorated with nothing but metal bars.”