Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
If you can recite the entire second row of a computer keyboard as one word really fast three times in a row, your sex life will improve by 17% for the next thirty days.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
The only thing worse than having bunions all over your feet is having a handful of thumbs for toes.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Refusing a free cheeseburger from an albino Smurf is considered bad luck in some cultures.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
A smelly old lady with the skin of a Tyrannosaurus Rex will rub you the wrong way three hours from 5am tomorrow morning.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
The next time you eat sushi, think of five little words: The Little Mermaid and Finding Nemo.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You can’t judge a scroll by its paper.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
-$37.00 is motive for the assault of a bill collector.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Watch your blind spot or you’ll wind up blind-sided.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You can’t judge trash by the bag it’s in.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You might have to deal with the aftermath of having no toilet paper on hand after eating a chili bean hotdog.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You can’t make yourself happy bringing misery to other people unless getting your butt kicked brings you joy.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You do your best thinking when you steal someone else’s idea.
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Quote of the week: “These days, whipping a child with a tree branch like your grandparents did you will have your ass locked up in a room with no windows, decorated with nothing but metal bars.”
