Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If you can recite the entire second row of a computer keyboard as one word really fast three times in a row, your sex life will improve by 17% for the next thirty days.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The only thing worse than having bunions all over your feet is having a handful of thumbs for toes.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Refusing a free cheeseburger from an albino Smurf is considered bad luck in some cultures.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

A smelly old lady with the skin of a Tyrannosaurus Rex will rub you the wrong way three hours from 5am tomorrow morning.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The next time you eat sushi, think of five little words: The Little Mermaid and Finding Nemo.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You can’t judge a scroll by its paper.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

-$37.00 is motive for the assault of a bill collector.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Watch your blind spot or you’ll wind up blind-sided.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can’t judge trash by the bag it’s in.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You might have to deal with the aftermath of having no toilet paper on hand after eating a chili bean hotdog.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You can’t make yourself happy bringing misery to other people unless getting your butt kicked brings you joy.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You do your best thinking when you steal someone else’s idea.

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Quote of the week:    “These days, whipping a child with a tree branch like your grandparents did you will have your ass locked up in a room with no windows, decorated with nothing but metal bars.”