In the past few weeks I have been bombarded with a barrage of phone calls from bill collectors threatening to collect debts. My finances are short and my patience is even shorter. To top it off, my pal (that gets fired from every job and is even poorer than I am) keeps insisting on advising me on how to manage my money. What’s a guy to do?
Dear Final Notice,
I am a religious man. Though I usually keep my religious beliefs to myself (or at least restrict myself from sharing unless and until appropriate), I am going to jump out on a limb here and suggest you fall to your ashy knees and pray to the high heavens that it rains quarters for the next forty days and forty nights.
Owing money to creditors is a life normalcy so there really is no trick for you to cope with your debt. If you want to free yourself from financial woes, pay your bills. You could rob a bank but then you’ll have a whole other set of worries to deal with, especially if karma, a police warden or a bald headed cell block inmate has anything to say about it. You could hide under a rock but that’s just as uncomfortable as it sounds. You could avoid paying one bill in order to pay another but then you’ll still be stuck in the same financial bind you’re in now. You could shave all your hair off and change your name to something virtually impossible to pronounce but that won’t resolve anything at all. It’ll just be funny to hear people try to pronounce your name, and still you run the risk of not answering because you’ll forget anyone that calls you by your new name is referring to you. You’ll probably even respond by asking him/her who the fu*k he/she is talking to.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is that as long as you refuse to pay your bills, you will be indebted. The financial fall out may not affect you immediately but in the long run your credit will suffer, you’ll never be able to borrow from a bank, your interest rates will be through the roof on anything you attempt to finance, and all of your friends will laugh at you because the only thing you’ll have more than them is collection notices. The only way out of your mess is to pay off your balances. You may be broke while paying them but you can rest easy in the phrase “This too shall pass,” once you convince yourself that you actually believe the phrase.
As far as your broke ass friend advising you on how to manage your money goes, ask him to advise you on how to get fired from a job. His embarrassment should shut him up for a while. If the embarrassment doesn’t quiet him down, your laughing at him will. His employment credibility is screwed, so finding a gainful job will be just as difficult for him as paying off your creditors is for you. Just imagine him passing out flyers at a metro station for his means of living. You know those people. They are the ones that get mad because the people they hand their flyers to are the same people that throw those flyers in the trash. Not only will he have a meaningless job for the rest of his life, but that job will also be in vain.