Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 21-27, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Having two pair of the same mismatched socks can only double your luck, provided no one laughs at your dumb ass for wearing mismatched socks.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone will dare you to dial 911 and ask them how long they stay open.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The person sitting next to you isn’t really sitting. They’re just short…or else your eyes are going bad.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab them and hang on like a dog with a stick. Growl a bit, too. That always sends a message.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your lucky sexy body fragrance for the week of October 21st is pomegranate poppy seed onion bagel. Wear it with pride, and with caution, and around people that have no nose.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It’s not you. It’s your bed mattress that needs diapers.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

All it takes is one time to wear underwear made out of ground beef to realize (or at least understand) why it isn’t a good idea to wear underwear made out of ground beef.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Those unbalanced emotions of yours will one day explain why you constantly have candlelit big mac dinners for one.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You will appreciate the job you had and didn’t want after you’ve been fired.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There’s no way to deny yourself as the big fish in a little pond as long as you bathe in the same bathtub as goldfish.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Try to talk to someone other than yourself today. Better yet, try to get someone to talk to you for a change.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Don’t go out today without a spatula. Do it and see what happens.

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Quote of the week:    “Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.”

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