Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Having two pair of the same mismatched socks can only double your luck, provided no one laughs at your dumb ass for wearing mismatched socks.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Someone will dare you to dial 911 and ask them how long they stay open.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
The person sitting next to you isn’t really sitting. They’re just short…or else your eyes are going bad.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab them and hang on like a dog with a stick. Growl a bit, too. That always sends a message.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your lucky sexy body fragrance for the week of October 21st is pomegranate poppy seed onion bagel. Wear it with pride, and with caution, and around people that have no nose.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
It’s not you. It’s your bed mattress that needs diapers.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
All it takes is one time to wear underwear made out of ground beef to realize (or at least understand) why it isn’t a good idea to wear underwear made out of ground beef.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Those unbalanced emotions of yours will one day explain why you constantly have candlelit big mac dinners for one.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You will appreciate the job you had and didn’t want after you’ve been fired.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
There’s no way to deny yourself as the big fish in a little pond as long as you bathe in the same bathtub as goldfish.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Try to talk to someone other than yourself today. Better yet, try to get someone to talk to you for a change.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Don’t go out today without a spatula. Do it and see what happens.
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Quote of the week: “Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.”
