This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

Since the recent hurricane was perfect weather for a booty call, I decided to step out for a hookup. I went to visit an old flame, which I dated briefly until we broke up (because I was soooo not interested). He on the other hand never lost interest [in me], so I knew hooking up with him was a sure thing. To my surprise, I wasn’t expecting the bus/train service to be suspended. I ended up being stuck with this guy all night. Now he calls and texts me nonstop as if we’re in a relationship. HELP! Make him leave me alone!  

Sandy

Dear Sandy, 

Before you can make the calls stop, you have to understand that you brought this on yourself. You went out with a full intent to mess with a man’s head (no pun intended), and in the end you got stuck with the short end of the stick. I certainly hope you at least got what you wanted. I already know you got more than you bargained for. You ignored his desire to be with you on a higher level than “just” sex just so you could get your rocks off. It sounds to me as if Mother Nature wanted to teach you a lesson. So I guess everyone that was affected by Super Storm Sandy can thank your horniness for loss of power, flooding and a full city shut down. 

Now that we’ve both concluded that there are consequences for using your magical powers for personal gain, I can help you with your immediate problem. 

If this guy had feelings for you before you rode him into the sunset; you should know that it isn’t going to be easy to get him to stop calling you. You can tell him to stop but that never works. You can threaten him but he might like it. He may perceive your threats as a game of cat and mouse. In his eyes, you wouldn’t have f*cked him if you weren’t interested in him on some level. And some level is better than no level at all. 

Here are some ideas for you to consider: 

  1. Route your incoming calls to the nearest morgue. There’s no message more clear or permanent than death.
  2. If/When you answer his calls, respond to everything he says in your best handicapped pirate voice. If you can help it, drool out of the corners of your mouth. It’ll make your words much harder to understand.
  3. If/When you answer his calls, make sure you have a bag of corn chips nearby. Crunch in his ear during your entire conversation. If this doesn’t annoy him, it will piss him off and he’ll probably never want to speak to you again. …or he’ll never eat corn chips again.
  4. If/When you answer his calls, bark like a dog or moo like a cow. I don’t know if this will work but I’m sure he’ll think your ass is crazy. 

If none of these suggestions work out in your favor, I’m afraid your last resort is to take the highest low road, like any other normal person, and change your name only when he calls. That way when he rings your phone and asks for you, you won’t be lying when you say, “There’s no one here by that name.” 

Good luck!

Hottywood

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