This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I’ve been getting busy with this guy for a while. I guess you can call us regular FBs. And I don’t think I want anything more than that. At least I didn’t think so until this morning. While “sexting” one another, he led me to believe he’s been hooking up with someone else. His text specifically read: “I’M HARD JUST THINKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT.” I didn’t see him last night. I want to be angry, offended, and/or turned off but all I really want is sex. 

Telephone Love

Dear Telephone Love,

If you two are regular FBs and sex is all you want, then expecting him not to have a life outside of you is being greedy. You’re getting what you want from him. He’s getting something out of the deal. Everyone is happy. Since there is no emotional connection between you two, technically he isn’t doing anything wrong if in deed he is actually hooking up with someone else. He’s being casual while you’re putting an invisible label on your “relations[hip].”

Honestly, I really don’t see what your problem is unless you’re confused about whether or not you want to be sexually exclusive. And if that’s the case, what’s holding you back from getting to know what he’s thinking using the head that’s not hiding in his pants? Asking him to bone you and only you is a borderline relationship, anyway. All that’s missing is an emotional investment. If you don’t want to invest time in building on something outside of the bedroom, then you should just take your sexcapade at face value and be glad you’re getting any action at all.

Because you don’t really have a problem here, I’m going to make two recommendations for you: Take a chill pill and/or find yourself a backup FB to prevent your idle mind from wandering onto restricted grounds unrightfully.

Overall it simply sounds as if you need to take some time to think about what it is you want. You’re on a fast track to giving this guy a hard time. If you don’t play your cards right, you’re going to end up being cast as a main character on the hit series “Sexless in the City.”


This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I’m bored out of my mind. Why is it that [work] days are so much longer than nights?


Dear Pinky,

The answer to your question is truly simple. Your days at work don’t go by fairly quickly because, I assume for the most part, you don’t want to be there. You’d rather be out in a heathen-infested night club or bar batting your eyelashes at someone your ass ought to be staying away from. Instead you’re stuck in a building for eight hours, being paid to interact with someone (or a couple of someones) you’d more than likely try to stay away from if your ass was in fact at a bar and your colleagues were drunken party goers.

A lot of people like their job while even more people than a lot hate their job(s). You probably fall under the category of those that like their job. However it isn’t uncommon for people to like their job for a mere few hours and on their own terms, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you fell under the category of those people that like their job [with strings attached]. People that generally ask me why their work days are longer than their evenings tend to like their job as long as they don’t have to take orders, work too hard or stay too long. I like to call those people government employees.

Let me let you in on a little secret. Usually, after the little hand lands on the 10 and the big hand falls on the 12, the clock’s battery runs out, leaving the clock useless and frozen in a time loop of morning gripes and cold coffee. It takes at least seven hours for the clock to start working again. By then you or some other government employee is old and gray and tired. Your feet are sore, your back aches and your mood stinks. But just when you muster up enough energy to lift your eyeballs off the blurry bright computer screen to peer at the seemingly broken clock, it’s 5 o’clock! You gain a sudden burst of energy – just enough to make it through thick evening rush hour traffic to get home, stuff your face with the greasiest dish you can afford from the carryout, shit, shower and crawl into bed with anticipation to run the same hum drum cycle all over again the next day.

Your days are longer than your nights because that’s just the way nature [or Uncle Sam] intended it to be. It’s the American way. And it works the same all over the planet. If you think you’re the only one that has this problem, you’re wrong. And I never tell anyone they’re wrong. Well, almost never. Okay, maybe sometimes. Alright already. Sheesh! I always tell people when they’re wrong but we’re not talking about me, are we?


Stay in Your Lane

Not even the crisp winter air can stop the phenomenon of annoying center-street bicyclists.

Everywhere you turn, it seems as if everybody and their mama are trampling the streets on two wheels, most commonly [and annoyingly] during rush hour traffic. What isn’t so commonly known is that bicyclists are merely exercising their right to be too cheap or too poor to buy cars like the rest of the driving population of the planet. But if you were to ask the opinions of any driver of a four door sedan, cyclists are causing a rapid influx in horrifically funny road rage and bicycle tragedies.

As if it isn’t enough to have city streets plagued with bikers like roaches on a floor of a kitchen in an apartment complex somewhere in the projects, workers, children and tourists of all ages take advantage of traffic laws and spin their two wheels outside of their bike lane lines.

I have news for you cyclists:

The only rights you are enforcing is the right of a vehicle driver to lose his/her marbles to the point of running you over or getting out of his/her car to whoop your butt with your own bike! You are about as annoying as a little dog with a big bark, or as confused as a cat that thinks he was a dog in a former life.

Legally, road rage equates to disturbing the peace [and sometimes physical assault charges that could leave one locked up in a holding cell with criminals that carry street cred for major jail-time offenses], so no one literally wants to take a chance on side swiping a 10-speed bike, even though the thought lives actively in the minds of all those drivers that operate vehicles that require leaded or unleaded fuel.

Bicyclists alike should beware of drivers that are smart enough to toss banana peels out of their windows, conveniently in the bike lane, and more often outside of those lanes, since bikers now-a-days refuse to keep their asses in their designated paths. *Banana peels are the new middle finger to [bicycle] street  hogs.

Don’t say you haven’t been warned. 


Quote of the Week:  “Anyone that drives slower than you is an idiot, while anyone that drives faster than you is a maniac.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 18-24, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.



December 22 – January 19

Whoever wins the race will end up with the same cramp in their legs.



January 20 – February 18

Trust is earned even if you have to lie to get it.



February 19 – March 20

Dress according to the way you feel – cheap.



March 21 – April 19

Don’t get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack.



April 20 – May 20

Three things will change your life: fried eggs; smoked sausage; and distilled vodka.



May 21 – June 20

Game and baggage is an F’ed up combination.



June 21 – July 22

The skin cream you use will revert your face to the days of old when acne was as popular as Flava Flav’s big ass clock necklace.



July 23 – August 22

What must be will be. Remember that when you decide you must punch someone in their titty ball.



August 23 – September 22

You can’t be sick and healthy at the same time any more than joy and depression can reside in the same space.



September 23 – October 22

If today were any longer it would be tomorrow.



October 23 – November 21

Who doesn’t love cold purple soup?



November 22 – December 21

To see evil and not call it evil is evil.


Quote of the week:    “If you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I just started messing with this girl. We’ve only been kicking it for a few days but things seem to be going fairly well. I got a text message from an ex who is in town for the day and wants to see me. I want to see her but I don’t want to mess things up with the new girl. What should I do? 

Mr. Player No More

Dear Mr. Player No More,

Ordinarily I’d tell you to follow your heart but I think you would do better listening to your gut. If you think there’s a chance that you could mess things up in your new relationship, then you probably shouldn’t take any chances. Besides, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize you shouldn’t put one chick on hold who’s right up your alley to roll with another chick that’s nowhere near or from your neck of the woods.

Now let’s think about this for a minute. Your ex is in town for a day while your new girlfriend resides here. You do the math. You’d be one pissed off so and so if you spent time with your ex and wound up having the worst time ever. Or even worse, ended up screwing her and catching something you wouldn’t have caught had your ass not been trying to be slick. Also, telling your new girlfriend that you’re going to spend time with your ex is a conversation I would seriously advise against. And because you, like most men, would probably not tell her the real reason why you’d be ditching her, you’d most likely get caught up in a lie and wind up ass out and single all over again. That’s when your old ex would forever stop calling while your new ex would vow never to speak to you again.

From one man to another who’s thought with the wrong head – DON’T DO IT!


This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

Can you please tell me why all these damn people keep requesting to friend me on Facebook? I don’t know these people. How do I make them stop? 

Antisocial Networking

Dear Antisocial Networking,

Take a chill pill. You seem pretty upset that people are interested in connecting with you, and there’s no need to be upset. Facebook is a social media network. It isn’t a gang of Jehovah’s Witnesses covering your front lawn on an early Saturday morning.

If you don’t want a bunch of unwarranted people having access to your timeline, all you have to do is decline their friend requests. If that’s soooo much of an effort, delete your Facebook account or just keep your ass off of it. Those are about the best suggestions I can offer you.

Getting mad at someone for wanting to chat with you or see what you’re up to from time to time is kind of an invitation for someone to tell you to get over yourself. If people knew how bothered you were from all of the friend requests, that alone would make them leave you the hell alone. They’d probably think if you’re that uptight over a social media network [that rests on the other side of a computer monitor], you’re probably a complete ass in person.