This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I’ve been getting busy with this guy for a while. I guess you can call us regular FBs. And I don’t think I want anything more than that. At least I didn’t think so until this morning. While “sexting” one another, he led me to believe he’s been hooking up with someone else. His text specifically read: “I’M HARD JUST THINKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT.” I didn’t see him last night. I want to be angry, offended, and/or turned off but all I really want is sex. 

Telephone Love

Dear Telephone Love,

If you two are regular FBs and sex is all you want, then expecting him not to have a life outside of you is being greedy. You’re getting what you want from him. He’s getting something out of the deal. Everyone is happy. Since there is no emotional connection between you two, technically he isn’t doing anything wrong if in deed he is actually hooking up with someone else. He’s being casual while you’re putting an invisible label on your “relations[hip].”

Honestly, I really don’t see what your problem is unless you’re confused about whether or not you want to be sexually exclusive. And if that’s the case, what’s holding you back from getting to know what he’s thinking using the head that’s not hiding in his pants? Asking him to bone you and only you is a borderline relationship, anyway. All that’s missing is an emotional investment. If you don’t want to invest time in building on something outside of the bedroom, then you should just take your sexcapade at face value and be glad you’re getting any action at all.

Because you don’t really have a problem here, I’m going to make two recommendations for you: Take a chill pill and/or find yourself a backup FB to prevent your idle mind from wandering onto restricted grounds unrightfully.

Overall it simply sounds as if you need to take some time to think about what it is you want. You’re on a fast track to giving this guy a hard time. If you don’t play your cards right, you’re going to end up being cast as a main character on the hit series “Sexless in the City.”

Hottywood

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I’m bored out of my mind. Why is it that [work] days are so much longer than nights?

Pinky

Dear Pinky,

The answer to your question is truly simple. Your days at work don’t go by fairly quickly because, I assume for the most part, you don’t want to be there. You’d rather be out in a heathen-infested night club or bar batting your eyelashes at someone your ass ought to be staying away from. Instead you’re stuck in a building for eight hours, being paid to interact with someone (or a couple of someones) you’d more than likely try to stay away from if your ass was in fact at a bar and your colleagues were drunken party goers.

A lot of people like their job while even more people than a lot hate their job(s). You probably fall under the category of those that like their job. However it isn’t uncommon for people to like their job for a mere few hours and on their own terms, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you fell under the category of those people that like their job [with strings attached]. People that generally ask me why their work days are longer than their evenings tend to like their job as long as they don’t have to take orders, work too hard or stay too long. I like to call those people government employees.

Let me let you in on a little secret. Usually, after the little hand lands on the 10 and the big hand falls on the 12, the clock’s battery runs out, leaving the clock useless and frozen in a time loop of morning gripes and cold coffee. It takes at least seven hours for the clock to start working again. By then you or some other government employee is old and gray and tired. Your feet are sore, your back aches and your mood stinks. But just when you muster up enough energy to lift your eyeballs off the blurry bright computer screen to peer at the seemingly broken clock, it’s 5 o’clock! You gain a sudden burst of energy – just enough to make it through thick evening rush hour traffic to get home, stuff your face with the greasiest dish you can afford from the carryout, shit, shower and crawl into bed with anticipation to run the same hum drum cycle all over again the next day.

Your days are longer than your nights because that’s just the way nature [or Uncle Sam] intended it to be. It’s the American way. And it works the same all over the planet. If you think you’re the only one that has this problem, you’re wrong. And I never tell anyone they’re wrong. Well, almost never. Okay, maybe sometimes. Alright already. Sheesh! I always tell people when they’re wrong but we’re not talking about me, are we?

Hottywood

Stay in Your Lane

Not even the crisp winter air can stop the phenomenon of annoying center-street bicyclists.

Everywhere you turn, it seems as if everybody and their mama are trampling the streets on two wheels, most commonly [and annoyingly] during rush hour traffic. What isn’t so commonly known is that bicyclists are merely exercising their right to be too cheap or too poor to buy cars like the rest of the driving population of the planet. But if you were to ask the opinions of any driver of a four door sedan, cyclists are causing a rapid influx in horrifically funny road rage and bicycle tragedies.

As if it isn’t enough to have city streets plagued with bikers like roaches on a floor of a kitchen in an apartment complex somewhere in the projects, workers, children and tourists of all ages take advantage of traffic laws and spin their two wheels outside of their bike lane lines.

I have news for you cyclists:

The only rights you are enforcing is the right of a vehicle driver to lose his/her marbles to the point of running you over or getting out of his/her car to whoop your butt with your own bike! You are about as annoying as a little dog with a big bark, or as confused as a cat that thinks he was a dog in a former life.

Legally, road rage equates to disturbing the peace [and sometimes physical assault charges that could leave one locked up in a holding cell with criminals that carry street cred for major jail-time offenses], so no one literally wants to take a chance on side swiping a 10-speed bike, even though the thought lives actively in the minds of all those drivers that operate vehicles that require leaded or unleaded fuel.

Bicyclists alike should beware of drivers that are smart enough to toss banana peels out of their windows, conveniently in the bike lane, and more often outside of those lanes, since bikers now-a-days refuse to keep their asses in their designated paths. *Banana peels are the new middle finger to [bicycle] street  hogs.

Don’t say you haven’t been warned. 

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Quote of the Week:  “Anyone that drives slower than you is an idiot, while anyone that drives faster than you is a maniac.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 18-24, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Whoever wins the race will end up with the same cramp in their legs.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Trust is earned even if you have to lie to get it.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Dress according to the way you feel – cheap.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Don’t get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Three things will change your life: fried eggs; smoked sausage; and distilled vodka.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Game and baggage is an F’ed up combination.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The skin cream you use will revert your face to the days of old when acne was as popular as Flava Flav’s big ass clock necklace.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

What must be will be. Remember that when you decide you must punch someone in their titty ball.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can’t be sick and healthy at the same time any more than joy and depression can reside in the same space.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If today were any longer it would be tomorrow.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Who doesn’t love cold purple soup?

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

To see evil and not call it evil is evil.

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Quote of the week:    “If you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I just started messing with this girl. We’ve only been kicking it for a few days but things seem to be going fairly well. I got a text message from an ex who is in town for the day and wants to see me. I want to see her but I don’t want to mess things up with the new girl. What should I do? 

Mr. Player No More

Dear Mr. Player No More,

Ordinarily I’d tell you to follow your heart but I think you would do better listening to your gut. If you think there’s a chance that you could mess things up in your new relationship, then you probably shouldn’t take any chances. Besides, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize you shouldn’t put one chick on hold who’s right up your alley to roll with another chick that’s nowhere near or from your neck of the woods.

Now let’s think about this for a minute. Your ex is in town for a day while your new girlfriend resides here. You do the math. You’d be one pissed off so and so if you spent time with your ex and wound up having the worst time ever. Or even worse, ended up screwing her and catching something you wouldn’t have caught had your ass not been trying to be slick. Also, telling your new girlfriend that you’re going to spend time with your ex is a conversation I would seriously advise against. And because you, like most men, would probably not tell her the real reason why you’d be ditching her, you’d most likely get caught up in a lie and wind up ass out and single all over again. That’s when your old ex would forever stop calling while your new ex would vow never to speak to you again.

From one man to another who’s thought with the wrong head – DON’T DO IT!

Hottywood

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

Can you please tell me why all these damn people keep requesting to friend me on Facebook? I don’t know these people. How do I make them stop? 

Antisocial Networking

Dear Antisocial Networking,

Take a chill pill. You seem pretty upset that people are interested in connecting with you, and there’s no need to be upset. Facebook is a social media network. It isn’t a gang of Jehovah’s Witnesses covering your front lawn on an early Saturday morning.

If you don’t want a bunch of unwarranted people having access to your timeline, all you have to do is decline their friend requests. If that’s soooo much of an effort, delete your Facebook account or just keep your ass off of it. Those are about the best suggestions I can offer you.

Getting mad at someone for wanting to chat with you or see what you’re up to from time to time is kind of an invitation for someone to tell you to get over yourself. If people knew how bothered you were from all of the friend requests, that alone would make them leave you the hell alone. They’d probably think if you’re that uptight over a social media network [that rests on the other side of a computer monitor], you’re probably a complete ass in person.

Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 11-17, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

When someone you greatly admire appear to be in deep though, they are concentrating on a silent fart.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’ll never realize how much power toilet paper has until it’s not there when you need it.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A rabbit jumps from hole to hole while a bitch chases a bone.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Make a donation to any charity that supports children with no feeling in their arms.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your social life opens up in a big way when the zipper pops on your jeans.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Other people are hard to figure out today, but that’s because you aren’t used to caring about anyone other than yourself.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A man that sticks his head in the sand makes a good target.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Let someone talk long enough and they’ll tell you everything you don’t need and/or want to know.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There is nothing more comforting than potato chips and beer.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

“Why buy the milk when you get the cow for free?” “Why buy the cow…” Ah hell, you see where this is going.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Never trust anyone with no first or last name.

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Quote of the week:    “There are three kinds of men: ones that learn by reading; ones that learn by observation; and ones that learn by peeing on an electric fence.”

A Letter to the Lunch Lady

The last time I ranted about a fellow coworker, the rant was in regard to Mrs. Cafeteria Lady for being lazy and trifling. Sadly, today’s rant is still directed to her, this time for proving herself to be a big fat liar.

Dear Mrs. Cafeteria Lady,

Remember that time when you said you were going to add pancakes to the breakfast menu? I believe it was mid 2010 when you told me that bold face lie. I am convinced you had no intention of adding anything to the menu because you [probably] felt that since I’m not the only hungry ninja in the dojo, the warrant for pancakes would cause you to sweat over a hot stove even earlier than normal, making more work for you and probably resulting in your armpits stinking from the heat that rises from the stove top. It’s always about you, isn’t it?

I don’t really know your kitchen routine, nor do I care as long as I’m fed sufficiently and bountifully, but for the record your refusal to heed my call for hotcakes is a little selfish if you ask me. If you knew then that you weren’t going to consider my request for a new fluffy delicious menu item, you could have simply told me instead of blatantly lying to my face. I wouldn’t have liked it. I probably would have badmouthed you to every living person on the planet, but I would have appreciated your honesty. Just so you know no one likes a liar – especially my stomach!

Instead of going off on a tangent and threatening to burn your kitchen crocs and hair nets, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give you approximately seven days to run out and buy a box of Bisquick pancake mix and make some heavenly magic happen or else all hell will break loose. Those little men that constantly clog-dance inside my stomach and causes my tummy to rumble hungrily will be released to wreak havoc on your Toyota Corolla. If you don’t believe me, let me come to work next week with a bottle of syrup and not have anything to pour it on.

Again, I’m not threatening you. I’m making a promise.

Love Always,

A Hungry Hottywood

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RELATED:  Dear Mrs. Cafeteria Lady, “Watch Your Back!”

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Quote of the Week:  “When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

Within the last few days, I asked a friend of mine for help on a number of projects, both personal and professional. With each inquiry he’s declined my request for help. He told me he didn’t have time to worry about my issues and his too. I’m a little frustrated and even more offended by his response. How should I reply? 

One Man Show, 

Dear One Man Show,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you don’t have a right to be offended. I can understand your being frustrated but being offended is going out on a limb. It’s possible his response could be taken harshly if you don’t have thick skin. Instead of being pissy over old boy telling you “No,” why don’t you try to look at the situation from his point of view?

“Within the last few days I asked a friend…for help on a number of projects, both personal and professional. He told me he didn’t have time to worry about my issues and his too.”

What he’s telling you is that he has a lot on his plate. He either sounds stressed out, overworked and/or simply unable to deal with his load in addition to the number of projects, both personal and professional that you are asking his help for. He’s not only being honest with you, he’s making you take responsibility for your own shit. You can’t get mad at him for not being able to do for you that which you should be doing for yourself.

Your response to him ought to be “Thank you,” because I’m pretty sure if you had the kahunas to ask him to help you out on a number of projects within the last few days, you asked him because he’s helped you in the past. Don’t get greedy and don’t become complacent in what someone can do or has done for you. Man up and handle your business. While you’re at it, I might also suggest that you don’t burn any bridges. If you needed his help in the past, you never know if and when you’re going to need him again.

If I were you, I’d be satisfied with someone telling me they don’t have time to deal with my issues rather than telling me “F*ck no,” or “F*ck off.” What you need to do now is smile and move on to Plan B.

Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 4-10, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Unfortunately today you look as if you’ve been mugged, and the first thing that was stolen was your dignity.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

One question will boggle your mind today: “Can a cheater be a victim?”

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

For the next 24 hours your nickname will be, “Beat it, Creep!”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You have to tell someone some bad news. It’s best to wait until they leave the room because you don’t want to be around when you tell them what you have to tell them.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You are many things, like boring, cheap, a bad cook, an easy lay, and often times chosen first to be picked last for a team. But you are not lazy.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You’d be surprised how much you miss your toenails once they’re gone.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Fear and desire are commonly known as two sides of the same coin.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

It’s time to turn over a new leaf – from poison ivy to poison oak.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

No one ever really listens to you because you talk so much and so little of it matters.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You should be happy to get to work so you can get some rest, since you don’t do anything else [there].

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Nobody knows nothing better than you.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

After a while, good intentions only go but so far.

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Quote of the week:    “You are judged by your actions, not your intentions.”