Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

When someone you greatly admire appear to be in deep though, they are concentrating on a silent fart.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’ll never realize how much power toilet paper has until it’s not there when you need it.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A rabbit jumps from hole to hole while a bitch chases a bone.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Make a donation to any charity that supports children with no feeling in their arms.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your social life opens up in a big way when the zipper pops on your jeans.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Other people are hard to figure out today, but that’s because you aren’t used to caring about anyone other than yourself.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A man that sticks his head in the sand makes a good target.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Let someone talk long enough and they’ll tell you everything you don’t need and/or want to know.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There is nothing more comforting than potato chips and beer.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

“Why buy the milk when you get the cow for free?” “Why buy the cow…” Ah hell, you see where this is going.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Never trust anyone with no first or last name.

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Quote of the week:    “There are three kinds of men: ones that learn by reading; ones that learn by observation; and ones that learn by peeing on an electric fence.”