Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
When someone you greatly admire appear to be in deep though, they are concentrating on a silent fart.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You’ll never realize how much power toilet paper has until it’s not there when you need it.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
A rabbit jumps from hole to hole while a bitch chases a bone.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Make a donation to any charity that supports children with no feeling in their arms.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your social life opens up in a big way when the zipper pops on your jeans.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Other people are hard to figure out today, but that’s because you aren’t used to caring about anyone other than yourself.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
A man that sticks his head in the sand makes a good target.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Let someone talk long enough and they’ll tell you everything you don’t need and/or want to know.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
There is nothing more comforting than potato chips and beer.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
“Why buy the milk when you get the cow for free?” “Why buy the cow…” Ah hell, you see where this is going.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Never trust anyone with no first or last name.
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Quote of the week: “There are three kinds of men: ones that learn by reading; ones that learn by observation; and ones that learn by peeing on an electric fence.”
