Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Whoever wins the race will end up with the same cramp in their legs.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Trust is earned even if you have to lie to get it.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Dress according to the way you feel – cheap.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Don’t get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Three things will change your life: fried eggs; smoked sausage; and distilled vodka.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Game and baggage is an F’ed up combination.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The skin cream you use will revert your face to the days of old when acne was as popular as Flava Flav’s big ass clock necklace.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

What must be will be. Remember that when you decide you must punch someone in their titty ball.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can’t be sick and healthy at the same time any more than joy and depression can reside in the same space.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If today were any longer it would be tomorrow.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Who doesn’t love cold purple soup?

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

To see evil and not call it evil is evil.

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Quote of the week:    “If you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”