Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Whoever wins the race will end up with the same cramp in their legs.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Trust is earned even if you have to lie to get it.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Dress according to the way you feel – cheap.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Don’t get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Three things will change your life: fried eggs; smoked sausage; and distilled vodka.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Game and baggage is an F’ed up combination.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
The skin cream you use will revert your face to the days of old when acne was as popular as Flava Flav’s big ass clock necklace.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
What must be will be. Remember that when you decide you must punch someone in their titty ball.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You can’t be sick and healthy at the same time any more than joy and depression can reside in the same space.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
If today were any longer it would be tomorrow.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Who doesn’t love cold purple soup?
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
To see evil and not call it evil is evil.
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Quote of the week: “If you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”
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