Hottywood’s 2013 New Years Resolutions

As we catapult ourselves out of 2012 and into 2013, there’s really no point in reviewing the events of months prior to this. The bottom line is that as long as we’re above ground (and perhaps not vampires or zombies – #TheUndead), we’ve got a lot to be thankful for.

I, for one, will admit I’ve had some rough times in 2012 but I’m still standing. Barely but still.

At any rate, in order to make this year better than the last, I’ve done what most people in the country have done (or is doing), and that is comprised a short list of New Year’s Resolutions. Usually people come up with at least ten resolutions, but outside of promising myself to eat more chicken wings with less fattening cooking grease, I’ve put together six of my most reasonable and realistic goals for the coming year.

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I will have peace of mind. The only thing I want to stress about is not getting caught when I outrun the police after they’ve pulled me over for texting and driving a motorcycle while under the influence of a bottle of Scope.

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I will join the fashion police academy so I can legally spray mace on women with visible heavy eye glue on their false eyelashes and girls that insist on buying weaves that don’t match the natural grain or color of their hair.

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I’m going to come up with a better list of fake names to give to aggressive ugly drunk people at bars and nightclubs.

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bathroom office

Just for shits and giggles (no pun intended) I’m going to somehow make “diarrhea” an agenda item at every office staff meeting.

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I will make it a point to orchestrate all of my farts to sound like random big band songs since passing gas, like music, is a universal language.

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I vow before a congregation of witnesses that on the 4th Sunday of the 7th month of this year, I will ask a parishioner to commune me with a 24oz can of beer.

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*If I’ve not fulfilled these resolutions by December 31, 2013, I will add them to my bucket list and pray I don’t get run over by a bus before then.

H A P P Y  N E W  Y E A R

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of December 30, 2012-January 5, 2013

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Unsurprisingly, you will be surprised by a grown man that drops his pants to his ankles when he stands up to pee at a urinal.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You ain’t got to see a cotton pickin’ cotton picker picking cotton no more.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Buying four cupcakes for an office staff of fifteen is grounds for getting beat up in a parking lot.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The best way to catch a squirrel is to climb up a tree and act like a nut, but you might look a little silly (for both climbing a tree chasing after a squirrel and pretending to be an acorn).

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Soy sauce is the Japanese ketchup.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Bad luck is experiencing a water outage right in the middle of taking a dump, just before having sex.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Someone will mistake your breasts (or man boobs) as shirt pockets.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Nothing says I love you like Q-Tips and stool softener.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The end result of your cooking would be delicious if you only add one ingredient – flavor.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Cover yourself in syrup. That’s all. Just cover yourself in syrup.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are pre-wired to hold on to grudges and real estate.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Sitting at work doing nothing but staring at the wall makes sense because that’s where the clock is.

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Quote of the week:    “Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I’m a little worried about a friend of mine. He’s been depressed lately. He’s been putting up a good front as if he’s getting over his depression, but the part that scares me is that he says in recent days he’s been having dreams that’s he’s been killing people. Should I be scared?

Shaking In My Boots

Dear Shaking In My Boots,

Michael MyersThere’s a part of me that wants to be funny and tell you that you shouldn’t be scared unless he tells you he’s waking up from these dreams with a smile on his face, and then there’s the other part of me that watches the news and sees how crazy people are these days. So in answer to your question, Hell yeah you should be scared!

To be quite honest with you I don’t need (or shouldn’t have) to support my answer with any follow-up comments.

What part of the word “kill” sounds nonthreatening to you? Michael Myers didn’t laugh when he killed all those people in the movie Halloween. And nobody felt safe when he came creeping around with a big ass butcher knife. Maybe the little clown that plays in all in the Saw movies laughed, but those deaths sure as hell weren’t funny. There wasn’t a damn thing funny about the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. In fact, I bet if you saw any or all of these movies your ass was scared to go to sleep that night. So what makes you think that you shouldn’t be scared of someone you know personally who is having dreams of slaughtering the living? The fact that he’s telling you about these dreams could be a warning that your ass is first on the list to go.

I’ll tell you one thing, don’t invite me to hang out with you and him because I’d be a scared mofo!

Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of December 9-15, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

A clothes pin and some morphine is a cold solution to a burning problem.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Clip-on nipple extensions are all the rage in Hollywood and soon will be, too, in your town. Be a trendsetter.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A knight in shining armor will turn out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

A closed door is code name for smash a brick through a window.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

All human wisdom is summed up in three words: “Get Over It.”

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Hate is not a luxury expense that can only be spent on one person.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Time heals a broken heart just like time heals a broken leg and arm.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

If it doesn’t matter who wins or loses, then why keep score?

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

People live in fantasy worlds because real life is usually very badly accessorized.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

For the rest of the day everything you eat will taste like pre-gargled mouthwash.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Be careful. Your first impression may be your last impression. Smell right.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Tough cookies don’t crumble.

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Quote of the week:    “Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I have a friend that always tells me he wants to screw me, but always asks for my advice in regard to his other female friends (or “hookers” as I like to call them). How should I take that? Should I be offended? I don’t think I’m romantically interested in him, yet I find myself getting jealous over conversations about [his] other girls. 

Darcy

Dear Darcy,

Man is a funny species. Generally, men think so differently than women until we stumble upon a moment or two where we don’t see what we’re doing wrong. Before you pass judgment on old boy, keep that in mind. That old saying “Forgive them Lawd; for they know not what they do” rings true here.

Double_StandardsAs a man, and this may be something you don’t want to hear, I think he’s just being honest with you when he tells you he wants to screw you. He probably does want to screw you – more than likely like a jackhammer to concrete – but is pretty confident that you aren’t going to give up any ass, so his flirting becomes a harmless game. If you’ve turned him down on more than one, two or ten occasions, he simply enjoys flirting with you and toying with the idea of covering you in fried shrimp and pouring ketchup all over your body. It’s a man’s way of saying, “You’re alright with me.”  If I were you, I’d be flattered. 

When it comes down to him asking your advice about other women, although I can understand your frustration, consider his logic. You aren’t giving up the cupcakes, are you? You have no intention of giving them up, do you? I mean after all, you did you just say you don’t think you’re romantically interested in him. It sounds to me like you guys are just friends. He can talk to you like one of the boys, although he tells you he appreciates you (or your body) like one of his hoes. This is one of those scenarios where you take that feminine mind of yours and think like a man. Don’t trip.

If you just can’t handle the heat of the kitchen, play him at his own game. Tease him. Flirt with him. And then spend a considerable amount of time bragging over or asking advice about some other dude(s). I promise you nothing will get under his skin more.

Double_Standards_2Sadly, you have to play him at his own game in order for him to see the error of his ways. Does this sound like a double standard? Probably. Because it is. I have no witty supporting comments for the double standard, that’s just the way things are in terms of the way man thinks and the difference in a woman’s perspective on [his] thoughts. Hey…no one said men are a perfect creature.

Be warned though that if you talk about some other dude to him, out of a rage of jealousy, he may either punch you in the mouth or threaten to hunt down and beat up the guy you’re harping over. Either way, he’ll feel the sting of his own stinger. And in no time you will have solved your problem. In the future he will remember how it feels to be jealous over someone else when he considers mentioning his side pieces to you. I can’t promise that he won’t come on to you any more, but if you ask me, when he stops begging to bone you is when you should really worry.

Hottywood

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

Christmas is coming up and I am admittedly not looking forward to it. This is the first Christmas I will feel like I’m spending alone. I’m at odds with my family and my girlfriend will be out of town. What can I do to make it a festive holiday? 

Giftless Under the Trees

Dear Giftless Under the Tree,

I am so sorry to hear that you’re not looking forward to the Christmas holiday. Christmas is the most joyous time of the year. Understandably for some it isn’t as joyous as it is for others.

My first suggestion to you is to remember that egg nog will comfort you in ways unimaginable (unless you’re lactose intolerant and have magnets on your ass when you go to the bathroom). Another way to make your holiday as festive as can be is to buy yourself a buttload of presents. Specifically things you can’t afford and can pawn when all of your bills are past due and you’ve run out of money to honor your priorities. You can also eat yourself into a frenzy, though it’ll make your bathroom experience extremely explosive, especially when coupled with egg nog. Not to mention put weight on your ass and other places on your body you didn’t think could get fat.

If none of the above suggestions work for you, there’s joy in giving people giftless boxes wrapped in newspapers that were previously lined inside cat litter boxes. Or, comfort in knowing you don’t have to buy a damn thing for the family members you aren’t talking to or the girlfriend that presumably didn’t care enough to invite you to go out of town with her.

If all else fails, use the Christmas holiday to think about just how drunk you’re going to get on New Year’s Eve and Day, just as long as you remember that even though alcohol won’t make you happy, it will help you to better enjoy feeling lousy.

After all that, if you still need a place to hang out for Christmas, I’ll ask around to see if anyone has room for one more leach at their dinner table. I would invite you to my soiree but I already know with all the turkey meat and egg nog you’re going to inhale, you are going to be full of shit. And let’s face it. Everybody knows a visitor is not going to clean the toilet bowl he took a dump in of the house he’s visited.

I hope, if I’ve done nothing else, I was able to put a smile on your face. Remember that smile when you start feeling down come the holiday, or when your ass has been arrested for drunk driving or disorderly conduct. Just don’t mention my name or my suggestions when you have to go to court to plead your case.  Merry Christmas!

Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of December 2-8, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If you want to soar with eagles don’t dress like chickens.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is a limit to how many sandwiches you can eat off the floor.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

This is a good week to catch up with your friends, Jack and Coke.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Giving someone toilet paper for Christmas is a shitty idea but good for the environment.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Alcohol may not make you feel better but it will help you enjoy feeling lousy.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Sometimes revenge and justice is the same thing – except, unless and until you get caught.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you walk into a nest of vipers, walk in looking like a million bucks. It’ll confuse the snakes.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You have the ass of a 40 year old water buffalo.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Relax and be yourself. And by “yourself” I mean someone else.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Just because someone is smart and successful doesn’t mean they aren’t damaged enough to go out with you.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

If your significant other doesn’t return your phone call(s), get drunk, get arrested, and then lie through your teeth.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The very life that you run from is the one that won’t let you hide.

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Quote of the week:    “There is a huge difference between what you see and what you want.”