Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If you want to soar with eagles don’t dress like chickens.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is a limit to how many sandwiches you can eat off the floor.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

This is a good week to catch up with your friends, Jack and Coke.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Giving someone toilet paper for Christmas is a shitty idea but good for the environment.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Alcohol may not make you feel better but it will help you enjoy feeling lousy.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Sometimes revenge and justice is the same thing – except, unless and until you get caught.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you walk into a nest of vipers, walk in looking like a million bucks. It’ll confuse the snakes.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You have the ass of a 40 year old water buffalo.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Relax and be yourself. And by “yourself” I mean someone else.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Just because someone is smart and successful doesn’t mean they aren’t damaged enough to go out with you.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

If your significant other doesn’t return your phone call(s), get drunk, get arrested, and then lie through your teeth.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The very life that you run from is the one that won’t let you hide.

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Quote of the week:    “There is a huge difference between what you see and what you want.”