Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
If you want to soar with eagles don’t dress like chickens.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
There is a limit to how many sandwiches you can eat off the floor.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
This is a good week to catch up with your friends, Jack and Coke.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Giving someone toilet paper for Christmas is a shitty idea but good for the environment.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Alcohol may not make you feel better but it will help you enjoy feeling lousy.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Sometimes revenge and justice is the same thing – except, unless and until you get caught.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
If you walk into a nest of vipers, walk in looking like a million bucks. It’ll confuse the snakes.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You have the ass of a 40 year old water buffalo.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Relax and be yourself. And by “yourself” I mean someone else.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Just because someone is smart and successful doesn’t mean they aren’t damaged enough to go out with you.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
If your significant other doesn’t return your phone call(s), get drunk, get arrested, and then lie through your teeth.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The very life that you run from is the one that won’t let you hide.
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Quote of the week: “There is a huge difference between what you see and what you want.”
