Christmas is coming up and I am admittedly not looking forward to it. This is the first Christmas I will feel like I’m spending alone. I’m at odds with my family and my girlfriend will be out of town. What can I do to make it a festive holiday?
Giftless Under the Trees
Dear Giftless Under the Tree,
I am so sorry to hear that you’re not looking forward to the Christmas holiday. Christmas is the most joyous time of the year. Understandably for some it isn’t as joyous as it is for others.
My first suggestion to you is to remember that egg nog will comfort you in ways unimaginable (unless you’re lactose intolerant and have magnets on your ass when you go to the bathroom). Another way to make your holiday as festive as can be is to buy yourself a buttload of presents. Specifically things you can’t afford and can pawn when all of your bills are past due and you’ve run out of money to honor your priorities. You can also eat yourself into a frenzy, though it’ll make your bathroom experience extremely explosive, especially when coupled with egg nog. Not to mention put weight on your ass and other places on your body you didn’t think could get fat.
If none of the above suggestions work for you, there’s joy in giving people giftless boxes wrapped in newspapers that were previously lined inside cat litter boxes. Or, comfort in knowing you don’t have to buy a damn thing for the family members you aren’t talking to or the girlfriend that presumably didn’t care enough to invite you to go out of town with her.
If all else fails, use the Christmas holiday to think about just how drunk you’re going to get on New Year’s Eve and Day, just as long as you remember that even though alcohol won’t make you happy, it will help you to better enjoy feeling lousy.
After all that, if you still need a place to hang out for Christmas, I’ll ask around to see if anyone has room for one more leach at their dinner table. I would invite you to my soiree but I already know with all the turkey meat and egg nog you’re going to inhale, you are going to be full of shit. And let’s face it. Everybody knows a visitor is not going to clean the toilet bowl he took a dump in of the house he’s visited.
I hope, if I’ve done nothing else, I was able to put a smile on your face. Remember that smile when you start feeling down come the holiday, or when your ass has been arrested for drunk driving or disorderly conduct. Just don’t mention my name or my suggestions when you have to go to court to plead your case. Merry Christmas!