Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
A clothes pin and some morphine is a cold solution to a burning problem.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Clip-on nipple extensions are all the rage in Hollywood and soon will be, too, in your town. Be a trendsetter.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
A knight in shining armor will turn out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
A closed door is code name for smash a brick through a window.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
All human wisdom is summed up in three words: “Get Over It.”
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Hate is not a luxury expense that can only be spent on one person.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Time heals a broken heart just like time heals a broken leg and arm.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
If it doesn’t matter who wins or loses, then why keep score?
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
People live in fantasy worlds because real life is usually very badly accessorized.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
For the rest of the day everything you eat will taste like pre-gargled mouthwash.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Be careful. Your first impression may be your last impression. Smell right.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Tough cookies don’t crumble.
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Quote of the week: “Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.”
