Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

A clothes pin and some morphine is a cold solution to a burning problem.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Clip-on nipple extensions are all the rage in Hollywood and soon will be, too, in your town. Be a trendsetter.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A knight in shining armor will turn out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

A closed door is code name for smash a brick through a window.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

All human wisdom is summed up in three words: “Get Over It.”

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Hate is not a luxury expense that can only be spent on one person.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Time heals a broken heart just like time heals a broken leg and arm.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

If it doesn’t matter who wins or loses, then why keep score?

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

People live in fantasy worlds because real life is usually very badly accessorized.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

For the rest of the day everything you eat will taste like pre-gargled mouthwash.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Be careful. Your first impression may be your last impression. Smell right.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Tough cookies don’t crumble.

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Quote of the week:    “Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.”