Hottywood’s 2013 New Years Resolutions

As we catapult ourselves out of 2012 and into 2013, there’s really no point in reviewing the events of months prior to this. The bottom line is that as long as we’re above ground (and perhaps not vampires or zombies – #TheUndead), we’ve got a lot to be thankful for.

I, for one, will admit I’ve had some rough times in 2012 but I’m still standing. Barely but still.

At any rate, in order to make this year better than the last, I’ve done what most people in the country have done (or is doing), and that is comprised a short list of New Year’s Resolutions. Usually people come up with at least ten resolutions, but outside of promising myself to eat more chicken wings with less fattening cooking grease, I’ve put together six of my most reasonable and realistic goals for the coming year.


I will have peace of mind. The only thing I want to stress about is not getting caught when I outrun the police after they’ve pulled me over for texting and driving a motorcycle while under the influence of a bottle of Scope.


I will join the fashion police academy so I can legally spray mace on women with visible heavy eye glue on their false eyelashes and girls that insist on buying weaves that don’t match the natural grain or color of their hair.


I’m going to come up with a better list of fake names to give to aggressive ugly drunk people at bars and nightclubs.


bathroom office

Just for shits and giggles (no pun intended) I’m going to somehow make “diarrhea” an agenda item at every office staff meeting.


I will make it a point to orchestrate all of my farts to sound like random big band songs since passing gas, like music, is a universal language.


I vow before a congregation of witnesses that on the 4th Sunday of the 7th month of this year, I will ask a parishioner to commune me with a 24oz can of beer.


*If I’ve not fulfilled these resolutions by December 31, 2013, I will add them to my bucket list and pray I don’t get run over by a bus before then.

H A P P Y  N E W  Y E A R

One thought on “Hottywood’s 2013 New Years Resolutions

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s