Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Unsurprisingly, you will be surprised by a grown man that drops his pants to his ankles when he stands up to pee at a urinal.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You ain’t got to see a cotton pickin’ cotton picker picking cotton no more.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Buying four cupcakes for an office staff of fifteen is grounds for getting beat up in a parking lot.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The best way to catch a squirrel is to climb up a tree and act like a nut, but you might look a little silly (for both climbing a tree chasing after a squirrel and pretending to be an acorn).

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Soy sauce is the Japanese ketchup.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Bad luck is experiencing a water outage right in the middle of taking a dump, just before having sex.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Someone will mistake your breasts (or man boobs) as shirt pockets.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Nothing says I love you like Q-Tips and stool softener.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The end result of your cooking would be delicious if you only add one ingredient – flavor.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Cover yourself in syrup. That’s all. Just cover yourself in syrup.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are pre-wired to hold on to grudges and real estate.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Sitting at work doing nothing but staring at the wall makes sense because that’s where the clock is.

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Quote of the week:    “Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”