Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Unsurprisingly, you will be surprised by a grown man that drops his pants to his ankles when he stands up to pee at a urinal.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You ain’t got to see a cotton pickin’ cotton picker picking cotton no more.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Buying four cupcakes for an office staff of fifteen is grounds for getting beat up in a parking lot.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
The best way to catch a squirrel is to climb up a tree and act like a nut, but you might look a little silly (for both climbing a tree chasing after a squirrel and pretending to be an acorn).
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Soy sauce is the Japanese ketchup.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Bad luck is experiencing a water outage right in the middle of taking a dump, just before having sex.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Someone will mistake your breasts (or man boobs) as shirt pockets.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Nothing says I love you like Q-Tips and stool softener.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
The end result of your cooking would be delicious if you only add one ingredient – flavor.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Cover yourself in syrup. That’s all. Just cover yourself in syrup.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You are pre-wired to hold on to grudges and real estate.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Sitting at work doing nothing but staring at the wall makes sense because that’s where the clock is.
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Quote of the week: “Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”
Reblogged this on Sirene de Ciel "become a Mermaid in Heaven".
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