An Open Letter to Metro – “You Suck!”

Dear Metro Officials,

I’m taking the time to write this letter to wholeheartedly say to you, “Thanks for nothing.”

ANGRY METROEvery time I get on the train, about five minutes after my ride begins, I am reminded of just how intolerably ghetto you are. Maybe it’s the constant breakdowns, the fires on the train tracks, the suicidal jumpers, the muggers, the single tracked cars, the broken escalators and elevators, the no shuttle bus services or the constant hike in fares that give me so little hope that you will ever get your shit together.

Last night during the one hundred and tenth minute of my thirty minute commute, I had nothing but time to read the newspaper and was a little surprised at the ambitious plan metro has for an upgrade, which is presumed to be paid for by metro riding tax payers – an expense that will cost millions if not billions of dollars. Of course we’d be happy to pay for your upgrades. Why not? You are already bleeding us dry from a system that barely works. Why wouldn’t it be a good idea to add more subway lines and underground tunnels that will more than likely cost more trouble and add more time to our commutes while taking more money out of our pockets and paychecks? Please know that I say this with the most sincere sarcasm.

METROMy intent on writing this open letter of disappointment and disgust to you is tarnished by my body’s lack of strength as I am completely exhausted from last night’s wait in a sea of angry metro riders for the next available shuttle bus to ANY metro station remotely close to my home, which unsurprisingly didn’t arrive for at least two hours after you made a public announcement that there was no longer any running trains to my station. I believe your exact words were, “If you are traveling in the direction of Greenbelt (the opposite way from my home, of course) there will be a twenty minute delay. If you are traveling in the direction of Branch Avenue (guess where I was headed), you are out of luck! There is no metro service at this time and God only knows when we’ll be up and running again.”

Aren’t you tired of singing this song? I know I’m tired of hearing it.

Flintstones AirplaneOh, to dream of the days of old where commuters were transported to their destinations by giant tyrannosaurus rexes like on the Flintstones. Life would be so much simpler, provided those dinosaurs wouldn’t eat their passengers which, in all honesty, wouldn’t be any worse than what metro is doing to its riders today.

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Quote of the Week:  “Mass transportation is doomed to failure because a person’s car is the only place where he can be alone and think.”

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Breaking the Ties that Bind

DELETE_2In the chain of friend[ship]s, it never fails that someone’s link is weak, and you can always count on the first month of a new year to bring that (or those) weak link(s) to light.

For some people it’s intentional to break those ties that bind at the beginning of a new year while others don’t bother to wait to let the old one play out. No one is really right or wrong in waiting (or not waiting). It all depends on how one feels and how much one can tolerate.

It isn’t uncommon for one to merely scratch a name out of an address book with a black magic marker, permanently covering the name and number of the frienemy. It also isn’t uncommon to decorate those names and numbers with a red magic marker, representative of blood (as in you’ll die before you allow yourself to communicate with that him or her again). Tossing a cell phone into oblivion is not as likely as simply deleting a name from a contacts app, however it is physically more satisfying. Perhaps not satisfying to the pockets, assuming a cell phone owner doesn’t have insurance like most cheapskate mobile phone users.

Ejection Seat

Let’s not get totally confused. Though a name may be scratched out of a book or deleted from an electronic device, a friendship can still be etched in memory (provided one doesn’t have Alzheimer’s disease or get into some form of an accident that results in amnesia), which means deleting a contact isn’t necessarily equivalent to deleting that friendship forever, even if it is the initial intent. Most people are just stubborn in the first month of a new year and are fairly tired of holding on to much of nothing, namely a friend/relationship that isn’t quite working, so they eject their confidantes for a time.

Joan Rivers

Although a broken friendship can be mended, they do run the risk of never being the same. Think of it as a 50/50 shot at plastic surgery. I would reference Joan Rivers but I actually love Joan. I’m also deathly afraid of getting on her bad side, so forget I brought her up at all.

The new year brings new resolutions and new limits to old bullshit, which is codename for “People-that-have-done-you-wrong-in-the-year-prior-are-to-be-rewarded-with-blocked-text-messages,-straight-to-voicemail-messages-and-music-ringtones-from-the-new-group,-“The-Dial-Tones.”

I am not one to encourage breaking up friendships [or relationships] with the dawn of a new year, but when in Rome…

New Year Break Ups

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Quote of the Week:  “If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 27-February 2, 2013

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You can back up all of your opinions and actions with the statement, “Because I said so.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone may remind you that you have the chin of a pelican.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your butt will look like sagging camel humps in all of your jeans.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Tables are fine but a booth is like a vacation for your ass.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Wearing your underwear inside out is like an abbreviated version of wearing a brand new pair.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your new nickname is “Mr./Ms. Ditzy Blond Scatter-Brained Ding Bat.”

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Watch out for guys with mirrors on their shoes.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

The greener grass on the other side of the fence is not grass at all. It’s a whole bunch of human hair that fell out because of a bad dye job.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Listerine is the champagne of mouthwash.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You are very particular. You don’t go out with just any creep – only the ones that ask you.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your birthday suit is your best outfit.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A cummerbund is like a bra for a man whose nipples hang to his belly.

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Quote of the week:    “Always remember that time and excuses have one thing in common; they both run out.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I met this guy on an online sex site. We hooked up. It was okay. I pretty much only connected with him to get over my ex (getting over an old lover with a new one). Now this guy seems to have caught feelings and tries to see me all the time (meaning every day). Do I tell him I’m not emotionally interested in him or just cut him off cold turkey? 

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

One Night StandThis is a tough call, and truthfully you are really the only one that can answer this question. If you met dude on a hookup site, chances are he connected with you with an intention to merely screw your brains out. Somewhere along the line something caught his attention. Either you were more attractive than he anticipated; you were too nice; you indulged in actual conversation; or your sex was too good. Whatever the reason for his shift in manner it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to conclude that you two didn’t set boundaries before bumping pelvises.

Usually online jump-offs are all about one thing. If you had a conversation with him before showcasing your unmentionables, you could have eluded that you were looking for something a little more than a phuck. If he’s attracted to the way you look, you can’t help the beauty that God blessed you with. Realize your own worth of splendor and find a better quality of suitors offline. It’ll mean more to you and it’s a hell of a lot safer. If your sex was that good, don’t make any excuses for that. Pat yourself on the back. 

Whatever you decide, whether you cut him off completely or break his heart by telling him you aren’t feeling him emotionally, you don’t want to burn any bridges. Every [single] person needs a jump-off in their life. It’s good for exercise and a cure-all for mood swings so I’d probably advise against foregoing that. Although before you carve that advice in stone, remember that you can meet another jump-off online (if that’s the way you prefer to go) just the way you met the guy you’re referencing now.

If you don’t want to confront him with the truth that all you’re interested in is what he has inside his underoos, then your best bet is to train him by action rather than words. Call him when you want it. You set the boundaries, the days, the times and the conditions. Understand though that as a man, being the follower in a sexual relationship is not going to sit well with him very long. …well, again if your sex is that good you hold all the cards. When it comes to a piece of ass, most men are weak.

Keep in mind that the same way you met him online, he can meet someone else who will be foolish enough to let him hit it and invade their space any time he damn well wishes, leaving you lonely and horny.

You have to ask yourself two questions before making your final decision. Will a booty call satisfy your heart or your loins? Which one of those is more important to you?

…or you can just tell him you’re pregnant. 

[See why the Booty Call Agreement is so important.]

Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 20-26, 2013

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You’ll never be bald. You’ll always have the hair on the palm of your hands.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Everyone knows that the wealth of a person is measured by the color of their shoe strings.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You will be very proud of yourself soon. You are going to spend every dime that you have and not a penny more.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The wheels of a bus go round and round unless they are square.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your underwear are a doorway to another dimension.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A man that doesn’t make his bed appreciates three things: laziness, convenience, and bed bugs.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A Penthouse magazine, a night light and a pillow named Shirley will be your greatest allies.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A drunk speaks a sober mind. Remember that the next time you’re being kicked out of a very boring social gathering.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

People that live on boats don’t have noisy neighbors and eats contaminated sushi.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Night club rule: if you don’t sniff it you won’t know what it is.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

It’s a good time to remind yourself that your opinion is what matters most. It’s also a good time to remember that know-it-alls don’t get invited to parties.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You are surrounded by people that don’t exist.

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Quote of the week:    “Don’t swim upstream unless you want to lay an egg.”

Take Note: Office Etiquette is No Different from Home Etiquette

What’s the difference between playing loud music in an apartment unit and holding a meeting full of loud voices in a  private office with the door wide open? There is no difference. It’s just plain old rude.

Considering the average worker spends more time at work than they do at home, the same [living] rules of etiquette apply to the office.

Employees should NOT:

  1. Play loud music via their PC speakers. Not everyone likes the All-Yodling station. 
  2. Hold extended conversations on their telephone’s loud speaker. No one gives a damn about what you’re talking about, unless of course it’s water cooler gossip.
  3. Loiter in the department hallway to discuss the events of their last evening or the strategies of the plan of action for their next or last meeting. SECURITY! 
  4. Hold open door meetings within private offices. What are doors for? 
  5. Pop into a colleague’s office at any given time for an impromptu conversation. Being fake to fellow co-workers will require a raise in pay.
  6. Be overly cheerful, depressing, nosey or annoying before 10am. These are grounds for fighting. 
  7. Burn baked fish in the microwave. Can be confused with #8.
  8. Wear short skirts, have hairy legs and forget to douche. It’s just wrong. 
  9. Hum, whistle or sing. It’s usually off-pitch and is followed by an army of barking dogs. 
  10. Wear white shoes after Labor Day.

The sad part about this list of nots is that it’s considered unethical to douse repeat offenders with a hot bucket of cat pee. In fact, if an employee were to bring a bucket of cat pee to the office, he/she would be fired for questionable thinking, intention or behavior. But is it really that much worse to bring cat pee to work than it is to annoy fellow co-workers by breaking the rules of proper work etiquette? I think not.

In order to make any work environment a better place, employees SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO:

  1. Work from home whenever they feel like it. …People in hell want ice water. See where this is going?
  2. Drink booze offered in the company break room or vending machine.
  3. Smoke Jamaican cigarettes or medical marijuana at their desk.
  4. Have Krispy Kreme donut parties every Friday for people under a certain weight or social status.
  5. Speak within a limit of 140 characters at all staff meetings, like Twitter.
  6. Have conjugal visits with other inappropriately dressed colleagues during their lunch or 15 minute coffee breaks.
  7. Say “fuck” and “damn” before and after every sentence and/or question at least 1 full day out of a week.
  8. Have heavy metal house parties in the office elevators on the 3rd Wednesday and Thursday of every month. Women and supervisors get in free.
  9. Serve McDonald’s French fries in the cafeteria (this rule doesn’t apply to McDonald’s workers, obviously).
  10. Have 1 free pass per week to cuss out a colleague of their choice.

If leaders of the work world would take heed to these suggestions, surely their subordinate staff would better respect them (provided they [the leaders] aren’t the colleague of choice to be cursed out in a given week). The office would be a much more relaxed place. Employees would get along better and more work would get done…the work may not be correct, but it would be complete.

In the new year, let’s strive to make as many of these changes in the office as we can or burn the copier room down trying.

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Quote of the Week:   “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”