Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Relax. You’re not going blind. You just forgot to pay your electric bill.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Offering to buy a cheap date a free drink might get you laid…or slapped.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Someone will tell you that you are half of one thing and all of nothing. These are fighting words.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You can learn a lot about someone from their trash. You can also learn a lot about someone who rummages through trash.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Telling people you’re on a juice cleanse is a perfect way to make sure everyone is visualizing you having diarrhea.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
A jive turkey with leather wings never gets chicken.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Hey Clearasil, what’s poppin’?
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Never trust a pig. They are known for squealing.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
There is nothing more satisfying than a 24-hour gravy buffet.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
If a sock is not in your shoes when you die, don’t look for it in heaven.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Did you know that while you sleep you drool like a St. Bernard?
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The only headache that’s worth having is a hangover.
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Quote of the week: “When it comes to eggs, no one rushed the chicken that supplies them. Don’t rush the cook that fries them.”
