Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Relax. You’re not going blind. You just forgot to pay your electric bill.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Offering to buy a cheap date a free drink might get you laid…or slapped.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Someone will tell you that you are half of one thing and all of nothing. These are fighting words.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You can learn a lot about someone from their trash. You can also learn a lot about someone who rummages through trash.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Telling people you’re on a juice cleanse is a perfect way to make sure everyone is visualizing you having diarrhea.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A jive turkey with leather wings never gets chicken.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Hey Clearasil, what’s poppin’?

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Never trust a pig. They are known for squealing.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

There is nothing more satisfying than a 24-hour gravy buffet.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If a sock is not in your shoes when you die, don’t look for it in heaven.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Did you know that while you sleep you drool like a St. Bernard?

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The only headache that’s worth having is a hangover.

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Quote of the week:    “When it comes to eggs, no one rushed the chicken that supplies them. Don’t rush the cook that fries them.”