This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I got in trouble at work for getting caught stealing paper towels out of the bathroom [to use at home]. I don’t see why I should buy paper towels when I can get them at work for free. Is there a way I can get myself out of this trouble? 


Dear Hamburgler,

I totally understand your logic in stocking up on free paper towels. After all, who’s gonna miss a few hundred sheets of paper towels from a public private office building, right? WRONG! Your ass just proved that you can’t get away with the simplest shit. One could argue that you are a thief. One could argue that you are cheap. One could argue that you’re crazy for not stealing something more valuable than some damn paper towels. Some scissors or a Scotch tape dispenser, I can understand. At any rate, I only point out these facts because if you were stealing the paper towels in the first place, you pretty much understood you were doing something wrong. You can’t gain from a consequence if you don’t know or understand what you’ve done wrong or why it’s wrong.

Having gotten than out of the way, you’ve come to the right place to squeeze yourself out of this jam.

Here are my recommendations:

Having coming fresh off a holiday season (Christmas and New Years), you can always tell your accusing party that you left your sanity in the year 2012.

You can tell the accusing party that you are donating paper goods to an orphanage of midgets or a homeless shelter for persons with no arms and no hands, on behalf of your employment agency…or potentially your former employment agency.

You can tell the accusing party that you flooded the bathroom in another part of the building and you need(ed) the paper towels to clean up your mess. However in order to get away with that bold face lie, you’d have to be able to get to that particular bathroom and pee all over the floor before it’s been investigated for truthful proof.

You can tell the accusing party that you sweat a lot when faced with unrealistic deadlines, high volumes of office related phone calls, and co-workers that fart silently as they walk pass your desk.

You can tell the accusing party that you have cramps (if you’re a man, man cramps) and have an un-Godly discharge coming from a very personal place of your body. If they ask you to show it to them [for proof], you can sue them for sexual harassment.

You can tell the accusing party that free or stolen paper towels is intertwined with your religion. If they challenge that, they are discriminating against your religion. And everyone knows d-i-s-c-r-i-m-i-n-a-t-i-o-n spells lawsuit.

You can tell the accusing party that your cat is dying and that his last wish is to die on top of a bed of paper towels sponsored by an office facility. If they don’t believe that, they have no heart and their nipples will fall off. And you don’t want to work for anyone with no heart or no nipples.

In the end, the next time you decide to steal something, steal something you can sell on a corner, in a parking lot or at a pawn shop otherwise don’t waste your time. Stealing paper towels doesn’t exactly earn you street cred.


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