When There is No Chicken in Heaven All Hell Breaks Loose

Once upon a time, I was invited to a New Year’s cookout on the south side of town, which in itself was a bad idea because it was too damn cold outside to be at a cookout in January. However without hesitation I said “Yes” because in my world, cookouts are year-round, not to mention at every cookout there’s sure to be chicken [wings] on a grill (I’ve been told that after burning down the house of the last person that invited me to a party where a chicken wing wasn’t present, no one would dare invite me over without having that minor detail taken care of).

This particular party host, we’ll call him Thatcher for the sake of anonymity, made one fatal mistake. Though he did heed warning and smartly opted to serve chicken to me…ahem, to all of the party guests, he served imitation chicken! The look in my eyes screamed WTF (What the F–!)?  Forget imitation crab meat. Forget tofu, and to hell with vegan anything.

Imitation chicken is unethical, unappreciated and un-American. And I wanted it to be understood that I didn’t like it! It didn’t take long for all hell to break loose.

Thatcher was none too pleased that I showed my ass when I found out he dared to fire up some faux wings, especially when the police showed up to simmer down my outrage. Everyone was afraid – even Thatcher’s cat. I’m not too sure if they were afraid of the police brigade or my boisterous outburst. Screams of terror erupted nevertheless.

Following Thatcher’s chicken-less negligence, he tried to break bad with me for disrupting his lame, cold and unappetizing party, which is where he made his final fatal mistake. So instead of rearranging his face, I took one drastic measure – a measure that precedes my reputation.

To this day I am not proud of my actions, though I hold no regrets. It is with this 2013th January that reminds me of the burning lesson poor Thatcher had to learn the hard way, which is a piece of advice I am extending to you; always have real chicken at any barbecue that I’m invited to, and don’t get mad at me when I get mad at you for not doing what I expect you to do to make me happy.

Chicken Sandwich

The end.


Quote of the Week:   “24 hours in a day; 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”

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