Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
This week your toenails will be as strong as a baby polar bear’s.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
In the coming days you will learn a lot about yourself and the people you don’t like.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
24 hours in a day. 24 hours in a case of beer. Coincidence? I think not.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
It will be predicted that the world didn’t end yesterday.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You better hope you’re not tying your shoe when a car runs over your foot.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You have the attention span of a goldfish with Alzheimer’s.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You may not mean to cuss out John Doe but you will mean everything you say.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
The doors of a bathroom swings both ways.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You will find pictures of yourself dressed as a forest ranger. The strange part is you will not have a recollection of ever being a forest ranger.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Don’t get your knickers in a twist. It’s just as uncomfortable as it sounds.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
If a computer gives you trouble, pour water on it. If a woman’s weave gives you trouble, pour water on it. If your underarms give you trouble, pour water on it.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
If wishes were horses, they’d be too big to put in your pocket. They’d also stink and have bad hair days.
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Quote of the week: “Start listening to what you’re paying for and stop telling the doctor how to practice.”
