Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

This week your toenails will be as strong as a baby polar bear’s.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

In the coming days you will learn a lot about yourself and the people you don’t like.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

24 hours in a day. 24 hours in a case of beer. Coincidence? I think not.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

It will be predicted that the world didn’t end yesterday.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You better hope you’re not tying your shoe when a car runs over your foot.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You have the attention span of a goldfish with Alzheimer’s.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You may not mean to cuss out John Doe but you will mean everything you say.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

The doors of a bathroom swings both ways.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You will find pictures of yourself dressed as a forest ranger. The strange part is you will not have a recollection of ever being a forest ranger.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Don’t get your knickers in a twist.  It’s just as uncomfortable as it sounds.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

If a computer gives you trouble, pour water on it. If a woman’s weave gives you trouble, pour water on it. If your underarms give you trouble, pour water on it.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If wishes were horses, they’d be too big to put in your pocket. They’d also stink and have bad hair days.

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Quote of the week:    “Start listening to what you’re paying for and stop telling the doctor how to practice.”