Take Note: Office Etiquette is No Different from Home Etiquette

What’s the difference between playing loud music in an apartment unit and holding a meeting full of loud voices in a  private office with the door wide open? There is no difference. It’s just plain old rude.

Considering the average worker spends more time at work than they do at home, the same [living] rules of etiquette apply to the office.

Employees should NOT:

  1. Play loud music via their PC speakers. Not everyone likes the All-Yodling station. 
  2. Hold extended conversations on their telephone’s loud speaker. No one gives a damn about what you’re talking about, unless of course it’s water cooler gossip.
  3. Loiter in the department hallway to discuss the events of their last evening or the strategies of the plan of action for their next or last meeting. SECURITY! 
  4. Hold open door meetings within private offices. What are doors for? 
  5. Pop into a colleague’s office at any given time for an impromptu conversation. Being fake to fellow co-workers will require a raise in pay.
  6. Be overly cheerful, depressing, nosey or annoying before 10am. These are grounds for fighting. 
  7. Burn baked fish in the microwave. Can be confused with #8.
  8. Wear short skirts, have hairy legs and forget to douche. It’s just wrong. 
  9. Hum, whistle or sing. It’s usually off-pitch and is followed by an army of barking dogs. 
  10. Wear white shoes after Labor Day.

The sad part about this list of nots is that it’s considered unethical to douse repeat offenders with a hot bucket of cat pee. In fact, if an employee were to bring a bucket of cat pee to the office, he/she would be fired for questionable thinking, intention or behavior. But is it really that much worse to bring cat pee to work than it is to annoy fellow co-workers by breaking the rules of proper work etiquette? I think not.

In order to make any work environment a better place, employees SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO:

  1. Work from home whenever they feel like it. …People in hell want ice water. See where this is going?
  2. Drink booze offered in the company break room or vending machine.
  3. Smoke Jamaican cigarettes or medical marijuana at their desk.
  4. Have Krispy Kreme donut parties every Friday for people under a certain weight or social status.
  5. Speak within a limit of 140 characters at all staff meetings, like Twitter.
  6. Have conjugal visits with other inappropriately dressed colleagues during their lunch or 15 minute coffee breaks.
  7. Say “fuck” and “damn” before and after every sentence and/or question at least 1 full day out of a week.
  8. Have heavy metal house parties in the office elevators on the 3rd Wednesday and Thursday of every month. Women and supervisors get in free.
  9. Serve McDonald’s French fries in the cafeteria (this rule doesn’t apply to McDonald’s workers, obviously).
  10. Have 1 free pass per week to cuss out a colleague of their choice.

If leaders of the work world would take heed to these suggestions, surely their subordinate staff would better respect them (provided they [the leaders] aren’t the colleague of choice to be cursed out in a given week). The office would be a much more relaxed place. Employees would get along better and more work would get done…the work may not be correct, but it would be complete.

In the new year, let’s strive to make as many of these changes in the office as we can or burn the copier room down trying.


Quote of the Week:   “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”


One thought on “Take Note: Office Etiquette is No Different from Home Etiquette

  1. Well said Hottywood! I agree to all of the items on the NOT list. People are such jerks at work. I have that problem with someone playing loud shitty music sometimes. That’s why headphones were invented!

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