Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 20-26, 2013

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You’ll never be bald. You’ll always have the hair on the palm of your hands.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Everyone knows that the wealth of a person is measured by the color of their shoe strings.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You will be very proud of yourself soon. You are going to spend every dime that you have and not a penny more.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The wheels of a bus go round and round unless they are square.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your underwear are a doorway to another dimension.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A man that doesn’t make his bed appreciates three things: laziness, convenience, and bed bugs.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A Penthouse magazine, a night light and a pillow named Shirley will be your greatest allies.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A drunk speaks a sober mind. Remember that the next time you’re being kicked out of a very boring social gathering.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

People that live on boats don’t have noisy neighbors and eats contaminated sushi.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Night club rule: if you don’t sniff it you won’t know what it is.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

It’s a good time to remind yourself that your opinion is what matters most. It’s also a good time to remember that know-it-alls don’t get invited to parties.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You are surrounded by people that don’t exist.

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Quote of the week:    “Don’t swim upstream unless you want to lay an egg.”

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