Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You’ll never be bald. You’ll always have the hair on the palm of your hands.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Everyone knows that the wealth of a person is measured by the color of their shoe strings.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You will be very proud of yourself soon. You are going to spend every dime that you have and not a penny more.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
The wheels of a bus go round and round unless they are square.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your underwear are a doorway to another dimension.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
A man that doesn’t make his bed appreciates three things: laziness, convenience, and bed bugs.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A Penthouse magazine, a night light and a pillow named Shirley will be your greatest allies.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
A drunk speaks a sober mind. Remember that the next time you’re being kicked out of a very boring social gathering.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
People that live on boats don’t have noisy neighbors and eats contaminated sushi.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Night club rule: if you don’t sniff it you won’t know what it is.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
It’s a good time to remind yourself that your opinion is what matters most. It’s also a good time to remember that know-it-alls don’t get invited to parties.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You are surrounded by people that don’t exist.
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Quote of the week: “Don’t swim upstream unless you want to lay an egg.”
