Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You can back up all of your opinions and actions with the statement, “Because I said so.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone may remind you that you have the chin of a pelican.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your butt will look like sagging camel humps in all of your jeans.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Tables are fine but a booth is like a vacation for your ass.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Wearing your underwear inside out is like an abbreviated version of wearing a brand new pair.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your new nickname is “Mr./Ms. Ditzy Blond Scatter-Brained Ding Bat.”

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Watch out for guys with mirrors on their shoes.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

The greener grass on the other side of the fence is not grass at all. It’s a whole bunch of human hair that fell out because of a bad dye job.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Listerine is the champagne of mouthwash.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You are very particular. You don’t go out with just any creep – only the ones that ask you.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your birthday suit is your best outfit.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A cummerbund is like a bra for a man whose nipples hang to his belly.

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Quote of the week:    “Always remember that time and excuses have one thing in common; they both run out.”