Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You can back up all of your opinions and actions with the statement, “Because I said so.”
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Someone may remind you that you have the chin of a pelican.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Your butt will look like sagging camel humps in all of your jeans.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Tables are fine but a booth is like a vacation for your ass.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Wearing your underwear inside out is like an abbreviated version of wearing a brand new pair.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Your new nickname is “Mr./Ms. Ditzy Blond Scatter-Brained Ding Bat.”
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Watch out for guys with mirrors on their shoes.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
The greener grass on the other side of the fence is not grass at all. It’s a whole bunch of human hair that fell out because of a bad dye job.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Listerine is the champagne of mouthwash.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You are very particular. You don’t go out with just any creep – only the ones that ask you.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Your birthday suit is your best outfit.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
A cummerbund is like a bra for a man whose nipples hang to his belly.
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Quote of the week: “Always remember that time and excuses have one thing in common; they both run out.”
