Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 27-February 2, 2013

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You can back up all of your opinions and actions with the statement, “Because I said so.”

_________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone may remind you that you have the chin of a pelican.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your butt will look like sagging camel humps in all of your jeans.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Tables are fine but a booth is like a vacation for your ass.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Wearing your underwear inside out is like an abbreviated version of wearing a brand new pair.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your new nickname is “Mr./Ms. Ditzy Blond Scatter-Brained Ding Bat.”

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Watch out for guys with mirrors on their shoes.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

The greener grass on the other side of the fence is not grass at all. It’s a whole bunch of human hair that fell out because of a bad dye job.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Listerine is the champagne of mouthwash.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

You are very particular. You don’t go out with just any creep – only the ones that ask you.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your birthday suit is your best outfit.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A cummerbund is like a bra for a man whose nipples hang to his belly.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:    “Always remember that time and excuses have one thing in common; they both run out.”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s