This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

A couple of days ago my friendship ended with a very close friend over some random girl he just started dating. After meeting her and getting to know a bit about her, it was easy to determine she wasn’t a good fit for him. When I told him he could do better, he responded by telling me if I can’t deal with his relationship(s), then I can take a hike. Naturally his words didn’t sit well with me so I decided to take him up on his suggestion. Now I’m wondering if I jumped the gun. What do you think? 

Short Fuse

Dear Short Fuse,

I gotta tell you I think this is one of those moments where you would have been better off minding your own business. I’m sure your intentions were good (even though the road to hell is paved with good intentions), but I’m curious to know what gave you the right to stick your nose in his relationship. I bet he’s wondering the same thing.

You probably offended him by questioning his judgment on this girl. Maybe you overstepped your bounds by questioning his relationship at all. It’s possible you made yourself sound jealous. Whatever the reason for your $.02, it sounds like you offered (or forced on) him an unwarranted piece of advice that he would have been fine without.

If you’re wondering whether or not you jumped the gun, walk a mile in his shoes and think about what your response would be if someone were to ask you why you’re wearing a pair of shoes that doesn’t look good on your feet.

Hottywood

The Bad Apple Inside the Manila Folder

In every office, 9am is close to the time when the supervisor makes his rounds to see who is at their desk slaving away on the work he is too good to do himself. He walks around with a golden clipboard checking off the names of those employees that are present and those that aren’t. He doesn’t say anything to or about those particular “slack-offity” individuals that spend more time at the coffee machine, loitering in front of the bathroom doors like hustlers on street corners, or lollygagging at their neighbor’s cubicles, but rather waits until an all-hands staff meeting to inconspicuously pull his staff’s card(s) or employee evaluation time to lay it all on the line one last time before sending out pink slips in the form of singing telegrams. This ritual has not changed since the days of Ebenezer Scrooge. What have changed over the years are the levels of concern from the ostensibly invincible employees.

Bugaboo Coworker_1Today employees don’t care who know about their late night romps, midnight bubble guts, or domestic squabbles. They believe their personal talk is part of the daily flow of business. Not considering that they are being mentally recorded by the man who signs off on their paychecks, they hold no regard for their fellow coworkers who either don’t give a damn about their after-5 lives or are too afraid to be clumped in the category of slackers by mere association.

This observation was brought to me some time yesterday between my travels to the copier machine and the giant catapult that hurls me home at the end of every day, when I found a petition krazy-glued to my swivel chair collectively signed by all the employees that are insistent on disassociating themselves from that one bad apple that lowers the property value of the underpaid subordinates in the office; specifically that one employee that gallivants up and down the office halls like a regular on a hoe stroll; or that one employee that eats potato chips with their mouth open while engaging in an uninspiring face-to-face conversation; or that employee that tells and laughs at all of his own humorless jokes; or that employee that doesn’t know the meaning of using his/her “inside voice.”

The petition was easily summed up in a single word: HELP. Help us, Hottywood, to make this employee change his ways or go away. Help us to make him understand that he is one step below the definitions of unwanted, unneeded and unnecessary. Help us to pretend harder that he is not making a bad name for those of us that stand on the ladder of his pay scale. Help us not to beat the living crap out of him at lunch time.

In response to the senders of the petition, I must warn you all that you can not treat this nuisance quite as simply as you would a bad cold. These office annoyances are not made. They are born. They multiply. They are eternal. However since Hottywood Helps, I have but one suggestion…

If this doesn’t change the atmosphere, nothing will.

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Quote of the Week:  “Don’t look at me with that tone of voice!”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 24-March 2, 2013

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

So you’re not bilingual. How hard can it be to learn Italian if every little kid in Italy can speak it?

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you can look out the peep hole with both eyes…never mind. LOL

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

This week you will wipe your butt with the same towel you dry your dishes with and your farts will smell like Palmolive.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You have very few faults but you sure make the most of the ones you have.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

W-T-F spells “…Da phuck outta here.”

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The bathroom door will glow every time you go #2 in a public bathroom.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You might have weird feelings that are difficult to understand. Don’t worry. The effects of the alcohol will wear off soon.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Believe it or not, it actually isn’t what it is.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

First date rule: a little of this; a little of that; but no petting.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

What do you and Davey Crockett have in common?…Nothing.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Negativity comes with the package of crapping your pants.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You have been chosen to protect the DNA strand of the world’s last McDonald’s French fry. This HORRORscope will self-destruct before u can say…

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Quote of the week:    “A wise man once said, I won’t give up ’til goats sing and walruses fly,’ which ironically just happened last week somewhere in Texas.

Arizona Woman Fired For Philandering With Footless Alien

A woman from Red Mesa, AZ who says she was fired for engaging in personal relations with a footless extraterrestrial filed a lawsuit against her former employer, Socks Socks Socks, Inc.

Margaret Shackleberry’s lawsuit accuses Arizona-based socks retailer Triple S, Inc. of discriminating against her unearthly boyfriend, whose name can not be pronounced because he is not from this planet, for not having any feet.

“The last few days have been very difficult. I’m trying to stay strong but it’s tough,” she told reporters of HottywoodHelps.com.

Shackleberry filed papers in a backwater court house just one day after the socks retailer let her go, citing disability discrimination under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

An attorney for Socks Socks Socks, Inc. said in a statement that Shackleberry was laid off for personal hygienic reasons, and feels confident the case will not hold up in a court of law on the grounds that her significant other is not a card carrying citizen of the planet Earth. Shackleberry has not yet responded to the attorney’s rebuttal against her discrimination accusations.

The lawsuit, filed in an Apache County Superior Court on February 11, seeks a minimum of $12,564,785.22, a red convertible Volkswagon and a lifetime supply of Persian cat fetuses.

Shackleberry started as a temporary floor sweeper in late 2012 with the small company and became a full-time employee in January 2013 according to the lawsuit.

Defense attorneys have until mid-March to respond to the lawsuit, or at least finish laughing at it.

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Quote of the Week:  “How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?”— Jay Leno

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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QUESTION: How do you respond to that awkward silence that follows an unreciprocated confession of “I love you?”

AwkwardA friend of mine posted an interesting comment on Facebook the other day that really got me thinking. It was along the lines of “That awkward silence that follows an unreciprocated confession of “I love you.”” Though it isn’t a traditional Ask Hottywood question, I have to ask myself is there a proper way of breaking the silence when you can’t say what the other person is waiting to hear?

If I were to answer myself, I’d say “Self…,” because that’s what I call myself. “There isn’t a proper way of telling anyone that you aren’t vibing with them the way they see in their mind. You’re damned if you respond and damned if you don’t.

Think about it. If you reply with an insincere “I love you,” you’d be a big fat liar and stuck with faking an emotion for someone you’d probably cheat on later down the line. If you reply with “Um, thanks…,” “You do?” “Really?” or “What a coincidence; I love me, too,” you are admitting that you’d rather pull your tongue out of your mouth rather than say those three little words that you don’t mean. Having no response at all is no different than changing the subject. While you may be able to fake the funk in that person’s company, if you don’t respond to their heart-felt gut spilling, you are blatantly admitting to leading them on – at least that’s the way they’d see it. Most likely they are going to wonder why you spend enough time with them to allow them to fall in love with you if you don’t feel the same way. Soon after they are likely to deem you a confused player who is full of nothing but bullshit, lies and games. On the bright side, though, if you’re lucky they’ll retract their “I love you” and opt never to speak to you again. When that happens you can rebut by calling them selfish, but you’d still be pinned with the label of being a confused player who is full of nothing but bullshit, lies and games.

Face it. This is a battle you can’t win.

I guess if you feel someone getting ready to profess their love for you, and you can’t counter the words, your best option would be to French kiss them long and hard, and by “long” I mean forever because once that kiss is over you’re back at square one. Another option would be to clock them over the head with a crystal vase, but you’d have one hell of a mess to clean up, not to mention a restraining order, pending you don’t get your ass beat to death for clobbering someone over the head (of course after they wake up from their coma). Or you could run for the hills with your hands waving in the air like a normal crazy person. Your choices are limited, but it beats standing there with a dumb look on your face as you ask yourself, “How am I going to get out of this one?”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 17-23, 2013

HORRORscopes

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Nothing will stump you more than the thought of how many times per day you spin your computer’s mouse wheel.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The following words will change your life: “Free Beer,” “Topless Bartenders,” and “False Advertising.”

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Live today like it’s your last day, but pay your bills and use a condom just in case.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You may not consider yourself smart enough to think onions are the only food that makes you cry after you’ve been hit in the face with a coconut.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There are only three things the human body needs to survive: food, water and compliments.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The words “Flare up” are enough to ruin any romantic moment.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You’ll have one good idea and it won’t be that great.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

An outhouse in back of a barn beats a bladder infection any day.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A midget will promise you a brood of strong babies under a drunken moon.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You could have trouble assuming respect if you don’t first throw some punches to get it.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone may go out of their way to avoid speaking to you. Thank them. Because whatever they may say could be stupid.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you are blind your love life is looking great!

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Quote of the week:    “This week is National Half-Day Week. Remind your supervisor and then pack up your office in the event your boss wishes you a Happy Termination Day.”

How to do Nothing at Work and Still Get Paid

Sadly, there are many people in this world that don’t take advantage of slacking off on company time. Any normal person would be inclined to ask why? I am inclined to assume it’s because they don’t know how. Lucky for them Hottywood Helps!

Doing NothingIf one insists on doing a full day’s work, the day to do it is Tuesday. Monday is reserved for getting over a weekend hangover. Wednesday is reserved for celebrating the halfway mark of faking your way through the work week. Thursday is codename for “I Don’t Give a Phuck Day,” and Fridays are like the Christmas Eve of the weekend!

Rather than me spending a lot of time explaining the how-to of office slacking, I’m just going to post a little weekday workday schedule for you. After all, I’m supposed to be in a staff meeting right now, but I’d rather do this, so I’m claiming one of my fifteen minute breaks now.

*This is a Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday workday schedule.

8:30am

Arrive at work.

8:31am – 9:05am

Talk to your favorite select coworkers.

9:06am – 9:30am

Fifteen minute coffee/smoke break.

9:31am – 9:45am

Do some actual work.

9:46am – 10:00am

Bathroom break. What you do in the bathroom is nobody’s business!

10:01am – 11:59am

Get on Facebook.

12:00pm – 2:00pm

Lunch

2:01pm – 2:45pm

Fifteen minute coffee/smoke break.

2:46pm – 3:25pm

Ask your supervisor a question about a task you should have completed two hours ago. Give about five minutes worth of attention to the actual task in question. Devote the rest of the time discussing their [supervisor’s] pet. You will probably get a promotion for caring at all about their pet(s).

3:26pm – 4:00pm

Get on Facebook.

4:01pm – 4:30pm

Bathroom break. Make sure you wash your hands.

4:31pm – 4:45pm

Reserve nothing during this time slot. Not a damn thing. This is YOUR time.

4:46pm

Sneak out of the office early. No one will come looking for you because it’ll be too close to 5 o’clock’s quitting time.

Slacking-Off

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Quote of the Week:  “You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ any more.”

PSA: How to Appropriately Dispose of Someone’s Bad Cooking

Bad CookRaise your hand if you’ve ever gone over to someone’s house where they offered you some of their horrific cooking. What was your response? Did you lie and tell them it was good? Did you not exactly lie and tell them it was like nothing you’ve ever tasted before? Did you stick your finger down your throat until you threw up all over the plate to return the food to them? Did your taste buds start popping off one bud at a time? Did your tongue and throat swell until your head imploded? Did you think I was ever going to stop asking you questions?

Bad Cook_2The truth is we’ve all experienced the best of someone’s worst cooking, whether it was mom, dad, granny, a sister, brother, lover, spouse, neighbor, church affiliate, coworker or cafeteria crewman. The real question is how to deal with it. If you’re like me, you’d rather point a loaded B.B. gun at your head and hope the impact of the pellet kills you rather than tell someone they should make a living out of ordering take-out. Well then again, I’m lying. That isn’t me. I would tell a bad cook the truth – that since they can’t cook, they shouldn’t be allowed to eat. Some would argue my candidness is a little drastic – even dramatic – while others would/could/does appreciate my honesty. Those people that would/could/does appreciate my honesty are all cool. Everybody else are wanna-be’s with slouchy socks but that’s a different story.

The next time you go to someone’s house to sample their inedible cuisine, after you’ve apprehensively inhaled the food (preferably without chewing), the appropriate thing to do is smile as they watch you put it in your mouth, and when they aren’t looking, quickly spit the food into a napkin and hide the evidence around their house in places like an unsealed package of a loaf of bread, a toaster or microwave, inside their medicine cabinet, a fish tank, a sock drawer, or an air and heating vent.

Bad Dinner PartyBy the time they realize what it is they’re seeing or smelling, you’ll be long gone and there’d be no way they can pin the shenanigan on you! By that time you will have purchased yourself enough time to warn everyone that you know (anonymously of course) to never never ever eat at that person’s house unless they know for sure that whatever meal they serve has been purchased from a frozen food section of any grocery store or fast food joint that deep fries their chicken wings inside a microwave oven.

This public service announcement has been brought to by the makers of HottywoodHelps.com. 

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Quote of the Week:  “Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 10-16, 2013

HORRORscopes

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The only way to get through this day is with fifteen cigarettes and a sheet cake.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

God made dirt and dirt don’t hurt, unless you’re buried 6ft deep in it. But then you’d be dead so it still wouldn’t hurt.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Only someone with nothing to be sorry about smiles back at the rear end of an elephant.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

FYI: “No Wuckin’ Furries” is a less vulgar derivative of “No Phuckin’ Worries”.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your duck’s goose is cooked.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Though a hippopotamus has no sting on its tail, any man would rather be sat on by a bee.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Today is the day your garbage piles so high that you place your trash on top to form a tower. This is another way of saying you need a life.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You may be easily offended by receiving a gift that’s been wrapped multiple times in old newspaper.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Rearrange your refrigerator in order to accommodate all of your inner fat kid cravings.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

“Since I fell off my dinosaur” is an expression used to describe something you haven’t seen or heard in forever. The number of times you use this phrase in the next hour is the number of raisins that will fall from the sky.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A wise man never tries to warm himself in front of a painting of a fire.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Someone will tell you they only like you as a friend. It is what it sounds like – you have an agreeable personality but no sex appeal.

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Quote of the week:    “Movember, Decembeard and Manuary are additional months added to the calendar year specifically for men to forego shaving in the hopes of being acceptably lazy or deemed the manliest man alive.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I haven’t seen my girlfriend in the last four and a half weeks. We may communicate possibly twice a day – if I’m lucky. Once around 8am, when she knows I’m on the subway (where my phone can’t get reception) and/or at night, any time between 11pm-12pm, when I’m asleep. She also doesn’t respond to my text messages. When I ask her about her disappearance, she always only responds, “There’s so much going on right now.” I don’t know if it’s just me but that doesn’t sound like a concrete answer. I guess it’s pretty obvious that my question to you is in regards to my wondering if I should worry or assume my relationship is over. Could she have just lost interest and doesn’t want to tell me? Could she be dating someone else? 

In the Dust 

Dear In the Dust,

Cut Your TiesIt’s kind of hard to say what the reason is for your girlfriend pulling a Casper on you. But I can say one thing for certain: PEOPLE MAKE TIME FOR THE THINGS THEY WANT. If she isn’t making time for you or your relationship after a month’s passing, you already know what needs to be done. I don’t think you need me to tell you that you’ve been left in the dust. I think you’re seeking confirmation that what your gut is telling you is true – the wench is over it and she’s too chicken shit to tell you straight up.

My advice to you is to cut the knot at the end of your rope and stop hanging on. Whether she’s seeing someone else or just plain ol’ doesn’t want to be bothered with you any more, four and a half weeks is enough time for you to stop whining and get over her. What’s the point of wanting someone that blatantly doesn’t want you back? It makes you look kind of desperate, and desperation doesn’t match any pair of shoes.

*On the bright side, usually after breaking up with someone, once the wound has healed and the dust has settled, if and when you see that person again you notice all of their flaws.

When you see ol’ girl the next time, hopefully you’ll have found someone way hotter than she is. Then you can ask yourself what the hell you were thinking about when you let her carry you for all those weeks. And if you’re really lucky (or pray hard enough) – she’ll be single and lonely, her ankles will have swollen and her breasts will have dropped to her knee caps. That’s when she’ll tell you she misses you and asks if you’d be willing to give it another go.

So even though you may not be feeling the greatest right now, at least you’ll have something to look forward to.

Hottywood

Foods Not to Eat On a First Date

Greedy PigHave you ever gone out to eat with someone that had no table manners? Is it more annoying to you or more embarrassing? Chances are if you’re eating out in public with someone you know that hasn’t been trained in the art of table etiquette, you’ll forgive and forget (although you might sneak a snapshot of them and post it on Facebook) …hey no one said you’re perfect. But let’s say that person isn’t your friend. Instead they are someone you are going out on a date with. Better yet – a first date. Can you name some foods that would be considered inappropriate to eat? Remember, when considering the list of items image is everything!

In case you are having a brain freeze from the consumption of too many ice cream cones, I am more than happy to advise you on what you shouldn’t eat on a first date. After all, Hottywood Helps!

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It’s never attractive to eat spaghetti on a first date.

Spaghetti

It’s messy. You also look a little silly trying to find the end of the spaghetti string as it continuously wraps around your fork. If you just so happen to have a dirty mind, the spaghetti sauce can easily remind you of something else but you didn’t hear it from me.

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Hamburgers aren’t very sexy to eat.

Eating Hamburger

It’s very common that people who eat hamburgers almost never eat them with a fork and knife. That’s just stupid. If you have no fork or knife you are left with only two things (well three depending on how you look at it). 1) A spoon, which makes no sense, and 2/3) your hands, which makes you look barbaric and greedy.

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Eating Corn on the Cob

Corn on the cob isn’t the most sexiest choice on the menu.

The corn easily gets stuck between your teeth, not to mention in your beard.

Tell the truth, can you imagine how very unpretty it would look to see corn bits stuck in a woman’s beard?

It’s definitely not anything you’d run home to call your friends and brag about. Not unless you start off the phone conversation with, “You won’t believe this shit, but I have pictures to prove it!” 

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I’d probably advise against eating Chinese food on a first date.

Eating Rats_Chinese Food

Not that I don’t love Chinese food because I do! It’s just that you never know what you’re eating and the last thing you’d want to do is upchuck in the middle of a restaurant.

It’s the number one way to ensure you won’t get lucky later that night.

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It’s NEVER good to eat anyone’s butt that wears underwear that reads “I Love to Fart.”

First date or not, it could prove to be a shitty mess and that’s a major turn off. 

Butt

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Eating fire, wood or babies is usually frowned upon. If you eat any of these on your first date it will no doubt double as your last.

FIRE WOOD BABIES

I don’t think you really need a why for these choices but if you do, it’s inhuman, unsanitary and a little creepy. It also has to be bad for your teeth, breath and reputation.

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The number one food to eat when you go out on a date is ALCOHOL!

One Drink Too Many

By the time you’re finished drinking your dinner, you’ll be too drunk to give a shit about what you or your date looks like with or without food.

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Quote of the Week:  “You didn’t fight your way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 3-9, 2013

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If you stay in a certain place too long, you will run the risk of doing something you will pretend to regret.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Jalapeños are the devil’s garnish.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Taping watermelon to your ankles is an alternative method for curing stinky feet.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will recognize a familiar scent associated with baboons.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There’s not a damn thing you can do about being attacked by a wild ostrich with a lisp.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of people and pills who’s first and last name begins and ends with the letters “E” and “Y”.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Don’t travel backwards down a flight of stairs. It may be your last trip.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Even if the sun doesn’t shine beyond the outhouse in the back of the woods, the cat still delivers its kittens under the porch.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Today is a good day to expose yourself to three blind mice.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Don’t let outside influences tell you you’re not crazy. They are lying to you and have no idea what they are talking about.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The language of love is Chinese Pig Latin, so today your chances of finding true love will depend on your sign language skills.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will come into a sudden cash flow after knocking over three liquor stores and a hotdog vendor.

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Quote of the week:   “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

Happy Birthday Hottywood!

Fire CakeWelp, they said it couldn’t be done but I am one to defy all odds. Four years ago when I started HottywoodHelps.com I was a spry ??? year old and today I’m happy to say I’ve not aged a bit! I don’t look a day older than then, if I do say so myself (and I do say so). Whoever said “Everyone must eventually grow old” obviously never drank brandy out of a coffee mug while standing on their head and singing the theme song to the Facts of Life in pig Latin.

That’s the secret to staying young. 

Maybe it’s my fault for not sharing. For the last four years I’ve advised everybody on everything except how not to grow old. Call me selfish. Maybe I subconsciously wanted to keep that little secret all to myself, much like I do buckets of chicken wings. Can you blame me? Well, I really don’t care if you do blame me because as of today, now that I’m ??? years old again I can honestly say I’m officially at the age where I can say and do anything I damn well please and not give a flying fig what anyone thinks about it.

And right now all I want to do is paaaar-tay!

Partying

H A P P Y  B I R T H D A Y  H O T T Y W O O D

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