Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
If you stay in a certain place too long, you will run the risk of doing something you will pretend to regret.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Jalapeños are the devil’s garnish.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Taping watermelon to your ankles is an alternative method for curing stinky feet.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You will recognize a familiar scent associated with baboons.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
There’s not a damn thing you can do about being attacked by a wild ostrich with a lisp.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Beware of people and pills who’s first and last name begins and ends with the letters “E” and “Y”.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Don’t travel backwards down a flight of stairs. It may be your last trip.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Even if the sun doesn’t shine beyond the outhouse in the back of the woods, the cat still delivers its kittens under the porch.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Today is a good day to expose yourself to three blind mice.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Don’t let outside influences tell you you’re not crazy. They are lying to you and have no idea what they are talking about.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The language of love is Chinese Pig Latin, so today your chances of finding true love will depend on your sign language skills.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You will come into a sudden cash flow after knocking over three liquor stores and a hotdog vendor.
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Quote of the week: “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
