Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If you stay in a certain place too long, you will run the risk of doing something you will pretend to regret.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Jalapeños are the devil’s garnish.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Taping watermelon to your ankles is an alternative method for curing stinky feet.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will recognize a familiar scent associated with baboons.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There’s not a damn thing you can do about being attacked by a wild ostrich with a lisp.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of people and pills who’s first and last name begins and ends with the letters “E” and “Y”.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Don’t travel backwards down a flight of stairs. It may be your last trip.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Even if the sun doesn’t shine beyond the outhouse in the back of the woods, the cat still delivers its kittens under the porch.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Today is a good day to expose yourself to three blind mice.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Don’t let outside influences tell you you’re not crazy. They are lying to you and have no idea what they are talking about.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The language of love is Chinese Pig Latin, so today your chances of finding true love will depend on your sign language skills.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will come into a sudden cash flow after knocking over three liquor stores and a hotdog vendor.

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Quote of the week:   “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”