Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The only way to get through this day is with fifteen cigarettes and a sheet cake.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

God made dirt and dirt don’t hurt, unless you’re buried 6ft deep in it. But then you’d be dead so it still wouldn’t hurt.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Only someone with nothing to be sorry about smiles back at the rear end of an elephant.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

FYI: “No Wuckin’ Furries” is a less vulgar derivative of “No Phuckin’ Worries”.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your duck’s goose is cooked.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Though a hippopotamus has no sting on its tail, any man would rather be sat on by a bee.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Today is the day your garbage piles so high that you place your trash on top to form a tower. This is another way of saying you need a life.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You may be easily offended by receiving a gift that’s been wrapped multiple times in old newspaper.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Rearrange your refrigerator in order to accommodate all of your inner fat kid cravings.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

“Since I fell off my dinosaur” is an expression used to describe something you haven’t seen or heard in forever. The number of times you use this phrase in the next hour is the number of raisins that will fall from the sky.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A wise man never tries to warm himself in front of a painting of a fire.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Someone will tell you they only like you as a friend. It is what it sounds like – you have an agreeable personality but no sex appeal.

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Quote of the week:    “Movember, Decembeard and Manuary are additional months added to the calendar year specifically for men to forego shaving in the hopes of being acceptably lazy or deemed the manliest man alive.”