Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
The only way to get through this day is with fifteen cigarettes and a sheet cake.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
God made dirt and dirt don’t hurt, unless you’re buried 6ft deep in it. But then you’d be dead so it still wouldn’t hurt.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Only someone with nothing to be sorry about smiles back at the rear end of an elephant.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
FYI: “No Wuckin’ Furries” is a less vulgar derivative of “No Phuckin’ Worries”.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your duck’s goose is cooked.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Though a hippopotamus has no sting on its tail, any man would rather be sat on by a bee.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Today is the day your garbage piles so high that you place your trash on top to form a tower. This is another way of saying you need a life.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You may be easily offended by receiving a gift that’s been wrapped multiple times in old newspaper.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Rearrange your refrigerator in order to accommodate all of your inner fat kid cravings.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
“Since I fell off my dinosaur” is an expression used to describe something you haven’t seen or heard in forever. The number of times you use this phrase in the next hour is the number of raisins that will fall from the sky.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
A wise man never tries to warm himself in front of a painting of a fire.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Someone will tell you they only like you as a friend. It is what it sounds like – you have an agreeable personality but no sex appeal.
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Quote of the week: “Movember, Decembeard and Manuary are additional months added to the calendar year specifically for men to forego shaving in the hopes of being acceptably lazy or deemed the manliest man alive.”
Reblogged this on ortnernolan and commented:
Why am i doing this?
I love your new look Hottywood. And the horoscopes are bang on as always!
You are always so supportive. May chocolate candy bars forever fall on your head. 🙂 PS, I figured it was time for a site face lift. If Joan Rivers can do it, so can HH.com!