Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 17-23, 2013

HORRORscopes

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Nothing will stump you more than the thought of how many times per day you spin your computer’s mouse wheel.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The following words will change your life: “Free Beer,” “Topless Bartenders,” and “False Advertising.”

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Live today like it’s your last day, but pay your bills and use a condom just in case.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You may not consider yourself smart enough to think onions are the only food that makes you cry after you’ve been hit in the face with a coconut.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There are only three things the human body needs to survive: food, water and compliments.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The words “Flare up” are enough to ruin any romantic moment.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You’ll have one good idea and it won’t be that great.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

An outhouse in back of a barn beats a bladder infection any day.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A midget will promise you a brood of strong babies under a drunken moon.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You could have trouble assuming respect if you don’t first throw some punches to get it.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone may go out of their way to avoid speaking to you. Thank them. Because whatever they may say could be stupid.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you are blind your love life is looking great!

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Quote of the week:    “This week is National Half-Day Week. Remind your supervisor and then pack up your office in the event your boss wishes you a Happy Termination Day.”

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