How to do Nothing at Work and Still Get Paid

Sadly, there are many people in this world that don’t take advantage of slacking off on company time. Any normal person would be inclined to ask why? I am inclined to assume it’s because they don’t know how. Lucky for them Hottywood Helps!

If one insists on doing a full day’s work, the day to do it is Tuesday. Monday is reserved for getting over a weekend hangover. Wednesday is reserved for celebrating the halfway mark of faking your way through the work week. Thursday is codename for “I Don’t Give a Phuck Day,” and Fridays are like the Christmas Eve of the weekend!

Rather than me spending a lot of time explaining the how-to of office slacking, I’m just going to post a little weekday workday schedule for you. After all, I’m supposed to be in a staff meeting right now, but I’d rather do this, so I’m claiming one of my fifteen minute breaks now.

*This is a Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday workday schedule.

8:30am

Arrive at work.

8:31am – 9:05am

Talk to your favorite select coworkers.

9:06am – 9:30am

Fifteen minute coffee/smoke break.

9:31am – 9:45am

Do some actual work.

9:46am – 10:00am

Bathroom break. What you do in the bathroom is nobody’s business!

10:01am – 11:59am

Get on Facebook.

12:00pm – 2:00pm

Lunch

2:01pm – 2:45pm

Fifteen minute coffee/smoke break.

2:46pm – 3:25pm

Ask your supervisor a question about a task you should have completed two hours ago. Give about five minutes worth of attention to the actual task in question. Devote the rest of the time discussing their [supervisor’s] pet. You will probably get a promotion for caring at all about their pet(s).

3:26pm – 4:00pm

Get on Facebook.

4:01pm – 4:30pm

Bathroom break. Make sure you wash your hands.

4:31pm – 4:45pm

Reserve nothing during this time slot. Not a damn thing. This is YOUR time.

4:46pm

Sneak out of the office early. No one will come looking for you because it’ll be too close to 5 o’clock’s quitting time.