Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
So you’re not bilingual. How hard can it be to learn Italian if every little kid in Italy can speak it?
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you can look out the peep hole with both eyes…never mind. LOL
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
This week you will wipe your butt with the same towel you dry your dishes with and your farts will smell like Palmolive.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You have very few faults but you sure make the most of the ones you have.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
W-T-F spells “…Da phuck outta here.”
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
The bathroom door will glow every time you go #2 in a public bathroom.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You might have weird feelings that are difficult to understand. Don’t worry. The effects of the alcohol will wear off soon.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Believe it or not, it actually isn’t what it is.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
First date rule: a little of this; a little of that; but no petting.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
What do you and Davey Crockett have in common?…Nothing.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Negativity comes with the package of crapping your pants.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You have been chosen to protect the DNA strand of the world’s last McDonald’s French fry. This HORRORscope will self-destruct before u can say…
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Quote of the week: “A wise man once said, ‘I won’t give up ’til goats sing and walruses fly,’ which ironically just happened last week somewhere in Texas.
