Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

So you’re not bilingual. How hard can it be to learn Italian if every little kid in Italy can speak it?

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you can look out the peep hole with both eyes…never mind. LOL

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

This week you will wipe your butt with the same towel you dry your dishes with and your farts will smell like Palmolive.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You have very few faults but you sure make the most of the ones you have.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

W-T-F spells “…Da phuck outta here.”

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The bathroom door will glow every time you go #2 in a public bathroom.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You might have weird feelings that are difficult to understand. Don’t worry. The effects of the alcohol will wear off soon.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Believe it or not, it actually isn’t what it is.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

First date rule: a little of this; a little of that; but no petting.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

What do you and Davey Crockett have in common?…Nothing.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Negativity comes with the package of crapping your pants.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You have been chosen to protect the DNA strand of the world’s last McDonald’s French fry. This HORRORscope will self-destruct before u can say…

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Quote of the week:    “A wise man once said, ‘I won’t give up ’til goats sing and walruses fly,’ which ironically just happened last week somewhere in Texas.