Things Not to Say to Your Boss, Unless You Just Don’t Give a…

Everyone has a moment where they want to tell their supervisor what they really think about them.  Even your supervisor has those days with their supervisor.  The office is the one place where you can count on all your colleagues to be on their “A” game when it comes to being fake.  Being fake at the office is the survival of the fittest!  It has to be done in order to ensure a steady paycheck and a couple of free cocktails during staff luncheons.  The hard part isn’t NOT speaking your mind; it’s to avoid saying the wrong things to the people who matter most.  And by “people who matter most” I mean the people who sign your paychecks!  Some things you may say by accident.  Some, by osmosis. Some things you might say just to get a rise or a laugh.  But when your money is concerned, the one thing you should concentrate on saying the most is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  If you just have to say something to let your boss know they are the living equivalence of monkey sweat, then choose a nice, flattering lie.  Tell them you can tell they’ve lost weight in their neck or something like that.  Be careful though.  Some of your compliments may come out all wrong and could cause your ass to live out of a shoe box in your neighbor’s back yard.  When in doubt, give them the middle finger when you think they’re not looking.  Most supervisors find power in signing their John Hancock on a pink slip.  So be warned.

Below are a list of things you should never say to your boss, unless you just don’t give a f*ck.

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“Nice Rack.”  It’s a known rule that you shouldn’t gawk over your supervisor unless you have mad game or every intention on screwing them for A) a promotion, B) blackmail or C) leverage, however most people are grossed out by the sight of their supervisors.  I think it’s a “power” thing, so this comment isn’t said too frequently.  At any rate, unless you and your boss are totally wasted at an office shindig, telling them they have a nice rack is a sure way to get sued or canned.  If your supervisor is a man, it’s a sure way to get the crap beaten out of you.

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“Did you smell that?”  Farting without care is never good.    …well, I shouldn’t say ‘never’. Farting because you’re subliminally referring to your boss as a piece of sh*t is never good.  Again, maybe I shouldn’t say ‘never’.  Trust me – they know they’re pieces of sh*t, they just don’t want to be reminded by a subordinate.  Bad day or not, passing gas and asking your boss if they smelled it is probably not a good way to build your own character, as entertaining as it may be.  But you haven’t lived until you’ve tried it at least once.

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“Go away, I’m on the phone.”  Slacking off at work is an unwritten responsibility that’s included in every employee’s job description.  Just as it’s unwritten, it should be done in private – but how many bosses do you know like to give their employees privacy?  If you’re having one of those days where you don’t feel like hearing the hum-drum of your manager’s bitchfests, pick up the phone and speak randomly to the dial tone.  Tell your boss to beat it until you’re done with your phone call.  Telling them to take a hike is a grand way to let them know you’d rather spend your days in an unemployment or soup kitchen [receiving] line.  Either way, you’ll have all the time and privacy you need once your ass has been fired!

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“You need an assistant.”  Suggesting to your manager that they need an assistant reiterates the question of why they hired you in the first place.  Just like you think your boss is a stinky butt hole, they think the same sh*t about you.  So after you’ve put your foot in your mouth and given them something to think about, just wait patiently for security to escort you out of the building. Most terminated employees don’t take their termination very well. Why should you be any different?  It really doesn’t matter one way or the other.  Just go out and find another job to be lazy at or another boss to insult.

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“I can not ignore you and concentrate on eating potato chips at the same time.”  No matter how hard you try, the sound of the loud crunch of potato chips does not drown out the monotonous echo of added work loads, high demands or long-winded conversations of dissatisfaction. You may be tempted to tell your boss to shut the hell up so you can concentrate on grubbing on your snacks, but it may not go over so well.  If you think typical superior blah blah is hard to wrap your head around, you haven’t heard anything until you’ve heard, “You’re fired!” barbarically battling the crunch of your chips.

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The list definitely continues with the “what not to say” to your supervisor or anyone responsible for signing your checks, for that matter.  Though you may be driven to tell them to kiss your ass or suck on smoldering hot lava rocks, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to press your luck until they’ve cleared the room.  So the next time you get the urge to fix your lips to say something foolish, fight it.  All it takes is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week:    “When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 24-30, 2013

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If someone thinks your name is great, wait until they hear your phone number.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Some heel will start a big fire at a shoe factory and 200 soles will be lost.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Don’t forget to demand the right price for your services or others may think they can get something for nothing. This HORRORscope is mainly for hookers.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Who said life was fair? You can’t get a job in this town unless you can do something.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You aren’t fooling anyone. You’re not wearing gloves. Your hands are just extra wrinkly.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You and the teacher from the Charlie Brown cartoons speak the same language.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Silent farts are loud to the nose.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Brown sweat stains in the shape of Elvis will mysteriously appear in all the underarms of your t-shirts.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A four-letter word will answer any question.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Broken cookies are good for you because once they break, all the calories fall out.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Pretend you’re a bobble head doll every time you engage in a conversation about a topic you know nothing about.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you keep walking down the same dead end street, you’re probably just as dumb as the wall you’re repeatedly walking into.

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Quote of the week:    “There are only two things you can’t eat for dinner; breakfast and lunch.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

Without going too much into detail about a story regarding someone that chose to learn a lesson the hard way instead of listening to my advice, my general question to you is “what’s a nice way to tell someone, ‘I told you so’?” 

Kierra 

Dear Kierra,

In all honesty, no one likes to be told “I told you so” so no matter how you say it, the person you’re saying it to will want to pour old hot dog water on you.

I was raised to believe that if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t  say anything at all. And since saying “I told you so” isn’t such a nice thing to hear (it obviously must not be such a nice thing to say either), the nicest way to say it is to laugh at the person hysterically. Laughing will make you feel good and no one can get mad at you for not saying those three little words that may get you punched.

Alternatively you can say “I told you so” like this:

“Te lo dije”. ~ Spanish

“Je vous l’avais bien dit.” ~ French

“لقد قلت لكم ذلك”. ~ Arabic

“Én megmondtam.” ~ Hungarian

“Te l’avevo detto.” ~ Italian

“私はあなたに言った。” ~ Japanese

“我告訴過你了。” ~ Chinese, or

“I oldtay ouyay osay.” ~ Pig Latin

If you can’t pronounce any of these languages then stick with laughing and pray you never have to go to them for advice, because if you do they may purposely steer you wrong in high hopes of laughing at your ass in the end.

If however you choose not to follow my advice and wind up being laughed at or doused with hot dog water, I will not hesitate to tell you I TOLD YOU SO.

Hottywood

Man Jumped for Not Sharing His Weed to Celebrate Vatican’s White Smoke Announcement

Church FightKILLEM COURT, Connecticut – Rodney McSausagefoot was beaten senseless in a parking lot of a Catholic church in Connecticut’s Killem Court Projects for sparking up a joint filled with marijuana after hearing of the Vatican’s announcement of a new Pope.

“Firing up a jay is how we celebrate good news in the hood. Actually firing up a jay is how we celebrate bad news in the hood.” McSausagefoot said before undergoing evaluation for the concussion he suffered from the assault.

Neighbors were outraged at the Catholic’s harsh reaction to the victim’s unwillingness to share his weed at the time of one of the most historical moments in Catholic history.

When police asked McSausagefoot why he didn’t offer any of his smoke to the attackers before being attacked he responded, “…because they didn’t put in on this.”

McSausagefoot could face a steep fine or a sentence in a county jail for being stingy with his weed.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 10-16, 2013

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Some imitation crab meat is fake.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Only a crazy person locks their toilet.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

A group of pimples may choose your face as a venue to hold a party.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Don’t follow in the footsteps of a man whose heels shed like snake skin.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The different parts of your personality will sing out of tune together in harmony.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your left butt cheek will swell while your right nipple will decrease in size. Just for the record, this is not normal.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You probably aren’t going to impress anyone today so there’s no point in wasting your time trying to find something to look forward to.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

This week it’ll be more important to threaten or bribe someone rather than say what you really feel. It’ll increase the chances of someone actually caring.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You can get anyone to do what you want as long as you say the words, “This is a stick up.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There is a special warmth and sensitivity that will put your mind at ease. It’s called liquor.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

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Quote of the week:    “Age is of no importance unless you’re cheese.”

Bathroom Etiquette No Laughing Matter At All-Midget Clown Convention

Midget ClownSAN DIEGO, CA – Violence erupted at the first ever all-midget clown convention Wednesday night after a gang of half-pint jesters got into a brawl in a bathroom stall.

The convention, comprised of clowns no taller than 3 ½ ft, started off on a high note with several performers from the comedian community taking to the circus-inspired stage. Things took a turn when a commotion erupted in a nearby restroom.

According to several eyewitnesses, the brawl broke out when a farceur urinated in a private stall without closing the door behind him. The sound of the pint-sized picador’s urination pouring into the commode annoyed the other occupants of the restroom so much that they threw bars of soap at him and began screaming expletives, followed by brutal punches.

San Diego police were called to the scene as the war between the little people exploded into a big mess.

A spokesman for the convention had no comment on the matter itself but expressed with much conviction that bathroom etiquette is a big deal in the midget community.

Monies raised from this year’s convention registration fees will go towards the purchase of a nursery of baby tree bushes for next year’s assembly so all of the little people can pee publicly in private.

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Quote of the Week:  “When a clown dies, everyone arrives at the funeral in one car.”

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Food Poisoning The Latest Weight Loss Craze in Hollywood

Hollywood, CA – Some of the hottest celebrities in Tinseltown have been spotted with shopping carts full of expired foods from their local grocery stores in a strange effort to get on board the latest weight loss epidemic – food poisoning.

According to one popular highly publicized blond divorced “Friends” star who wishes to remain anonymous, the noroviruses in unhygienic products are just the right amount of contamination, resulting in nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, to lose a noticeably photogenic amount of weight. Though the star has once been very open in the past about using the Atkins diet to maintain a Hollywood-approved slender frame, she admits Atkins is the most unhealthy diet of all, “unlike food poisoning,” she says, “which also serves as a full body cleanser. It’s the best of two worlds.”

The new unhealthy diet plan leaves hundreds of overly paid celebrity nutritionists, personal trainers and plastic surgeons out of work. U.S. Bankruptcy Court documents in California reportedly show multiple jumping jack specialists and counterfeit medical companies filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy and estimated loss liabilities at $100 million to $600 million, about the cost a celebrity pays per week to get snapped with the body they want for a picture they pray will never show up on a “What Were They Thinking” list in a tabloid on a grocery store shelf.

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Quote of the Week:  “It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.”

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