Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 3-9, 2013

Uncle Arthur

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

For just 24 easy payments, you can have an absolutely free electric slide dance class.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The secret to long life is adding dog food to an all-goat diet.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are a member of a small elite team of the unwilling, put on this Earth to perform large tasks of the unnecessary for a big group of ungratefuls.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy marshmallows, which is pretty much the same thing.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Walking through an invisible spider web will teach you Kung Fu.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

As you sit back to look at the stars, the first thing that may come to your mind is, “Where is my roof?”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Something sparkly will distract you from taking over the world.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Food for thought: You can’t spell ‘funeral’ without ‘fun,’ nor ‘manslaughter’ without ‘laughter.’

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If someone tells you to go to hell, tell them hell has a restraining order against you.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A female will get mad at you for asking her age, and pissed if you forget her birthday.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you catch on fire, try to avoid looking at yourself through a mirror because that is really what’s going to send you into a panic.

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Quote of the week:    “When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.”

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