Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
For just 24 easy payments, you can have an absolutely free electric slide dance class.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
The secret to long life is adding dog food to an all-goat diet.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You are a member of a small elite team of the unwilling, put on this Earth to perform large tasks of the unnecessary for a big group of ungratefuls.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy marshmallows, which is pretty much the same thing.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Walking through an invisible spider web will teach you Kung Fu.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
As you sit back to look at the stars, the first thing that may come to your mind is, “Where is my roof?”
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Something sparkly will distract you from taking over the world.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Food for thought: You can’t spell ‘funeral’ without ‘fun,’ nor ‘manslaughter’ without ‘laughter.’
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
If someone tells you to go to hell, tell them hell has a restraining order against you.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
A female will get mad at you for asking her age, and pissed if you forget her birthday.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
If you catch on fire, try to avoid looking at yourself through a mirror because that is really what’s going to send you into a panic.
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Quote of the week: “When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.”
