Hollywood, CA – Some of the hottest celebrities in Tinseltown have been spotted with shopping carts full of expired foods from their local grocery stores in a strange effort to get on board the latest weight loss epidemic – food poisoning.
According to one popular highly publicized blond divorced “Friends” star who wishes to remain anonymous, the noroviruses in unhygienic products are just the right amount of contamination, resulting in nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, to lose a noticeably photogenic amount of weight. Though the star has once been very open in the past about using the Atkins diet to maintain a Hollywood-approved slender frame, she admits Atkins is the most unhealthy diet of all, “unlike food poisoning,” she says, “which also serves as a full body cleanser. It’s the best of two worlds.”
The new unhealthy diet plan leaves hundreds of overly paid celebrity nutritionists, personal trainers and plastic surgeons out of work. U.S. Bankruptcy Court documents in California reportedly show multiple jumping jack specialists and counterfeit medical companies filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy and estimated loss liabilities at $100 million to $600 million, about the cost a celebrity pays per week to get snapped with the body they want for a picture they pray will never show up on a “What Were They Thinking” list in a tabloid on a grocery store shelf.
Quote of the Week: “It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.”