Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Some imitation crab meat is fake.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Only a crazy person locks their toilet.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
A group of pimples may choose your face as a venue to hold a party.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Don’t follow in the footsteps of a man whose heels shed like snake skin.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
The different parts of your personality will sing out of tune together in harmony.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Your left butt cheek will swell while your right nipple will decrease in size. Just for the record, this is not normal.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You probably aren’t going to impress anyone today so there’s no point in wasting your time trying to find something to look forward to.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
This week it’ll be more important to threaten or bribe someone rather than say what you really feel. It’ll increase the chances of someone actually caring.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You can get anyone to do what you want as long as you say the words, “This is a stick up.”
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
There is a special warmth and sensitivity that will put your mind at ease. It’s called liquor.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
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Quote of the week: “Age is of no importance unless you’re cheese.”
