Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Some imitation crab meat is fake.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Only a crazy person locks their toilet.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

A group of pimples may choose your face as a venue to hold a party.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Don’t follow in the footsteps of a man whose heels shed like snake skin.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The different parts of your personality will sing out of tune together in harmony.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your left butt cheek will swell while your right nipple will decrease in size. Just for the record, this is not normal.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You probably aren’t going to impress anyone today so there’s no point in wasting your time trying to find something to look forward to.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

This week it’ll be more important to threaten or bribe someone rather than say what you really feel. It’ll increase the chances of someone actually caring.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You can get anyone to do what you want as long as you say the words, “This is a stick up.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There is a special warmth and sensitivity that will put your mind at ease. It’s called liquor.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

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Quote of the week:    “Age is of no importance unless you’re cheese.”