Things Not to Say to Your Boss, Unless You Just Don’t Give a…

Everyone has a moment where they want to tell their supervisor what they really think about them.  Even your supervisor has those days with their supervisor.  The office is the one place where you can count on all your colleagues to be on their “A” game when it comes to being fake.  Being fake at the office is the survival of the fittest!  It has to be done in order to ensure a steady paycheck and a couple of free cocktails during staff luncheons.  The hard part isn’t NOT speaking your mind; it’s to avoid saying the wrong things to the people who matter most.  And by “people who matter most” I mean the people who sign your paychecks!  Some things you may say by accident.  Some, by osmosis. Some things you might say just to get a rise or a laugh.  But when your money is concerned, the one thing you should concentrate on saying the most is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  If you just have to say something to let your boss know they are the living equivalence of monkey sweat, then choose a nice, flattering lie.  Tell them you can tell they’ve lost weight in their neck or something like that.  Be careful though.  Some of your compliments may come out all wrong and could cause your ass to live out of a shoe box in your neighbor’s back yard.  When in doubt, give them the middle finger when you think they’re not looking.  Most supervisors find power in signing their John Hancock on a pink slip.  So be warned.

Below are a list of things you should never say to your boss, unless you just don’t give a f*ck.

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“Nice Rack.”  It’s a known rule that you shouldn’t gawk over your supervisor unless you have mad game or every intention on screwing them for A) a promotion, B) blackmail or C) leverage, however most people are grossed out by the sight of their supervisors.  I think it’s a “power” thing, so this comment isn’t said too frequently.  At any rate, unless you and your boss are totally wasted at an office shindig, telling them they have a nice rack is a sure way to get sued or canned.  If your supervisor is a man, it’s a sure way to get the crap beaten out of you.

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“Did you smell that?”  Farting without care is never good.    …well, I shouldn’t say ‘never’. Farting because you’re subliminally referring to your boss as a piece of sh*t is never good.  Again, maybe I shouldn’t say ‘never’.  Trust me – they know they’re pieces of sh*t, they just don’t want to be reminded by a subordinate.  Bad day or not, passing gas and asking your boss if they smelled it is probably not a good way to build your own character, as entertaining as it may be.  But you haven’t lived until you’ve tried it at least once.

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“Go away, I’m on the phone.”  Slacking off at work is an unwritten responsibility that’s included in every employee’s job description.  Just as it’s unwritten, it should be done in private – but how many bosses do you know like to give their employees privacy?  If you’re having one of those days where you don’t feel like hearing the hum-drum of your manager’s bitchfests, pick up the phone and speak randomly to the dial tone.  Tell your boss to beat it until you’re done with your phone call.  Telling them to take a hike is a grand way to let them know you’d rather spend your days in an unemployment or soup kitchen [receiving] line.  Either way, you’ll have all the time and privacy you need once your ass has been fired!

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“You need an assistant.”  Suggesting to your manager that they need an assistant reiterates the question of why they hired you in the first place.  Just like you think your boss is a stinky butt hole, they think the same sh*t about you.  So after you’ve put your foot in your mouth and given them something to think about, just wait patiently for security to escort you out of the building. Most terminated employees don’t take their termination very well. Why should you be any different?  It really doesn’t matter one way or the other.  Just go out and find another job to be lazy at or another boss to insult.

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“I can not ignore you and concentrate on eating potato chips at the same time.”  No matter how hard you try, the sound of the loud crunch of potato chips does not drown out the monotonous echo of added work loads, high demands or long-winded conversations of dissatisfaction. You may be tempted to tell your boss to shut the hell up so you can concentrate on grubbing on your snacks, but it may not go over so well.  If you think typical superior blah blah is hard to wrap your head around, you haven’t heard anything until you’ve heard, “You’re fired!” barbarically battling the crunch of your chips.

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The list definitely continues with the “what not to say” to your supervisor or anyone responsible for signing your checks, for that matter.  Though you may be driven to tell them to kiss your ass or suck on smoldering hot lava rocks, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to press your luck until they’ve cleared the room.  So the next time you get the urge to fix your lips to say something foolish, fight it.  All it takes is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week:    “When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.”

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4 thoughts on “Things Not to Say to Your Boss, Unless You Just Don’t Give a…

  1. Pingback: Letter from Management: Dear Employees; Get Over Yourself « Hottywood Helps

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