Cheers to the Weekend: The Grand-daddy of Regret

Once upon a time an innocent boy, low on the popularity totem pole, decided to ignore his good-boy conscious and opted for once to live life to the fullest.

His adventures began with one little glass of alcohol…

As a result, the boy who otherwise would not have been taken seriously by any woman in a romantic arena got laid for the first time by a woman who would be considered by some to be as large as the arena itself.

He closed his eyes as he experienced his first romantic encounter – or so he thought – until he realized his eyes weren’t closed at all. Instead he was buried and suffocated by the weight of the woman’s massive house-like body.

It took all of 15 minutes before the large woman determined the noises coming from the frail boy wasn’t moans of pleasure, but rather yelps for mercy. Soon after, she freed him from her relentless grip. He ran in terror with a shred of dignity and even more shredded underwear. Sadly his equilibrium was about as note worthy as his judgment in alcohol and women.

As he sped away from the quiet street of the unfamiliar neighborhood of his plump love bucket, his car swerving from one side of the street to the other, he was tailed and pulled over by the cops for suspicion of drinking while under the influence.

Just when he thought things could get no worse…

_____________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:  “I’m not as think as you drunk I am.”

Advertisements

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 21-27, 2013

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

No day is complete without 50 rotten eggs and a chainsaw.

____________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You haven’t lived until you’ve had your knees massaged in Asia.

____________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A skeleton in your closet will determine the price of a secret you’re trying to keep.

____________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

100% of paperwork = 10% of a paycheck.

____________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A numerical answer to an arithmetic problem is the letter “C”.

____________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It is strongly advised that tomorrow you kiss no one but old people, babies and fools.

____________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Welcome to McDonald’s. How can I mess up your stomach today?

____________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

A true pervert does not approve of the phrase, “You are what you eat.”

____________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It’s obvious that the numbers you should play at the lottery are the winning ones. Duh.

____________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Food for Thought: Oxygen masks on airplanes are really meant to muffle passengers’ screams when their plane is about to crash.

____________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You might be a stupid person if you laugh three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when you actually get the joke, and a third time when you realize you were laughing without getting the joke at first.

____________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will piss off a relatively close blind person/friend. It’ll be likely they’ll never speak to you ever again after being reminded of the phrase, “out of sight; out of mind.”

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:    “Everyone wants to reform but no one wants to change.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

Is it true that it’s bad luck for a cat to walk across your path? 

Superstitiously Superstitious

Dear Superstitiously Superstitious,

Black Cat Bad LuckIt all depends on where you come from.

If you’re from the hills of Hottywood, a black cat that crosses your path is only bad luck if you’re walking or driving blindfolded and on the other side of the cat is a mountain cliff and a 100ft drop to your doom.

If you’re from Great Britain, black cats are seen as lucky and are often given in token form to brides. It’d probably be considered bad luck for the bride though if she’s allergic to cats or the people that gives them as tokens.

If you’re from Japan, black cats are considered good luck. In fact it’s said that [in Japan] if a woman has a black cat she will have many suitors. I don’t know how lucky that woman would be if she were a dominant lesbian and has sworn off men for the rest of her days.

In Western history, black cats have often been looked upon as a symbol of evil omens, specifically being suspected of being the familiars of witches. Apparently no one in Western history has ever seen Bewitched or Charmed. In contrast, some considered it lucky that both shows went off the air. Here, the luck depends on the person questioning it…and TV ratings.

The luck of cats also depends on the direction of the path the cat crosses…or if you’re cross-eyed and can’t tell the difference between one side from another. In Germany, some believe that black cats crossing a person’s path from left to right is a bad omen. But from right to left, the cat is granting favorable times. Why not just scotch-tape two baby kittens to your ankles? The balance of luck will offset good vs. evil. Wait, maybe not. Those kittens might use your ankles as scratching posts. Call me crazy but that doesn’t sound much like good luck.

Okay, so the answers that I’ve given in response to your question seems to lean towards the side of bad luck, however anything can be considered back luck if you don’t put barbeque sauce on it first. Life is what you make of it, not what someone else makes of it for you.

If I haven’t answered your question satisfactorily, allow a giant black panther to cross your path and report back to me what happened. If I hear from you, then that means you ran and got away; and he didn’t catch, scratch and eat you. All the world will automatically know that you’re lucky to be alive.

If I don’t hear from you again, well…question answered.

Hottywood

Let me tell you a little story: 

A friend of mine, whom we’ll call Anonymous, was riding his four-wheeled 10-speed bike (he has training wheels) when he saw a black cat nearly crossing his path. Instead of swerving to get out of the path, he decided to run over the cat and kill any chances of bad luck. That choice was a bad decision. 

Anonymous ran over the cat who by the way didn’t die but rather laughed at him. The front wheel of his bike exploded instantly causing him to lose control. He swerved speedily and ran over the legs of a beer guzzling homeless man. Unsurprisingly he flew off the bike and landed on an elderly woman, thus knocking her hip out of place. The bike ended up on the other side of the street atop a state trooper’s squad car. 

laughing cat

Anonymous was arrested for reckless driving, driving while under the influence (the homeless man’s beer spilled all over Anonymous’ “I Live for Luck” t-shirt), and was hit with a $5000 fine for premeditated animal cruelty. His bike was impounded and he’s still in litigation with the elderly woman and the homeless man who are both suing him for medical expenses.   

Was the situation a result of good luck unraveling or his own undoing?

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 7-13, 2013

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Delta Burke will show up in your wet dream.

____________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The pimple on your forehead may take attention away from the booger in your nose.

____________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

HR can do nothing about the thief that stole the yogurt you took from your coworker’s lunch bag when they weren’t looking.

____________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will get more play by changing your telephone number to 1-800-Rent-a-Midget.

____________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your character is measured by the length of your shoe strings.

____________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It is no joincidence with a “c” that joker is poker with a “j”.

____________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You needn’t try to keep score today, mainly because you have trouble counting pass “5”.

____________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Today the words “Because I said so” will either get you ignored or peed on.

____________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Giving wedgies is the new American greeting. The risk is it may be your last hello.

____________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will not be offended by being called a shithead by someone who has three nipples and speaks with a lisp.

____________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The best time to take a nap is any time Monday thru Friday from 9 to 5, except between the hours of 12 and 2.

____________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Never tease an armed midget with a high five.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:    “Keep some folks’ unwanted phone numbers in your phone just so you’ll know not to answer when they call.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 31-April 6, 2013

psychic dog

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Having a dog drool on your clothes is sometimes more efficient than washing them in a washing machine.

____________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Golden Rule: No tissue, no tooshie. …well, maybe not a golden rule, if you get my drift.

____________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You will become famous after discovering a font for farting.

____________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

It will soon be realized that learning cursive was not a necessary grade school skill.

____________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Bad decisions make good stories provided you aren’t killed or incarcerated.

____________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You will own the remote control in a room full of people and have an uncanny ability to select a program no one wants to see. Watch your back.

____________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Internet stalking will introduce you to the next person to break up with you.

____________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

This week you will have something else at lunch for lunch.

____________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Just because you’re unemployed doesn’t mean you have to do pointless things like “get out of bed,” “shave,” “take a shower,” or “hide from the landlord.”   Wait. Scratch that last one.

____________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Someone will ask you, “What do you like about your job?” Your response will be, “My chair spins.”

____________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Choose friends that would run through a brick wall for you. Then when you get sick of them…you know…brick wall.

____________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The problem with making jokes about lawyers is eventually you get sued for slander you will have to hire a lawyer to defend you. Karma, baby.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:    “Any day that you get to prove someone is an idiot is a day worth living.”