Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Having a dog drool on your clothes is sometimes more efficient than washing them in a washing machine.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Golden Rule: No tissue, no tooshie. …well, maybe not a golden rule, if you get my drift.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You will become famous after discovering a font for farting.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
It will soon be realized that learning cursive was not a necessary grade school skill.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Bad decisions make good stories provided you aren’t killed or incarcerated.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You will own the remote control in a room full of people and have an uncanny ability to select a program no one wants to see. Watch your back.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Internet stalking will introduce you to the next person to break up with you.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
This week you will have something else at lunch for lunch.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Just because you’re unemployed doesn’t mean you have to do pointless things like “get out of bed,” “shave,” “take a shower,” or “hide from the landlord.” Wait. Scratch that last one.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Someone will ask you, “What do you like about your job?” Your response will be, “My chair spins.”
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Choose friends that would run through a brick wall for you. Then when you get sick of them…you know…brick wall.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The problem with making jokes about lawyers is eventually you get sued for slander you will have to hire a lawyer to defend you. Karma, baby.
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Quote of the week: “Any day that you get to prove someone is an idiot is a day worth living.”