Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Having a dog drool on your clothes is sometimes more efficient than washing them in a washing machine.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Golden Rule: No tissue, no tooshie. …well, maybe not a golden rule, if you get my drift.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You will become famous after discovering a font for farting.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

It will soon be realized that learning cursive was not a necessary grade school skill.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Bad decisions make good stories provided you aren’t killed or incarcerated.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You will own the remote control in a room full of people and have an uncanny ability to select a program no one wants to see. Watch your back.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Internet stalking will introduce you to the next person to break up with you.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

This week you will have something else at lunch for lunch.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Just because you’re unemployed doesn’t mean you have to do pointless things like “get out of bed,” “shave,” “take a shower,” or “hide from the landlord.”   Wait. Scratch that last one.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Someone will ask you, “What do you like about your job?” Your response will be, “My chair spins.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Choose friends that would run through a brick wall for you. Then when you get sick of them…you know…brick wall.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The problem with making jokes about lawyers is eventually you get sued for slander you will have to hire a lawyer to defend you. Karma, baby.

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Quote of the week:    “Any day that you get to prove someone is an idiot is a day worth living.”