Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Delta Burke will show up in your wet dream.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The pimple on your forehead may take attention away from the booger in your nose.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

HR can do nothing about the thief that stole the yogurt you took from your coworker’s lunch bag when they weren’t looking.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will get more play by changing your telephone number to 1-800-Rent-a-Midget.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your character is measured by the length of your shoe strings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It is no joincidence with a “c” that joker is poker with a “j”.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You needn’t try to keep score today, mainly because you have trouble counting pass “5”.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Today the words “Because I said so” will either get you ignored or peed on.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Giving wedgies is the new American greeting. The risk is it may be your last hello.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will not be offended by being called a shithead by someone who has three nipples and speaks with a lisp.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The best time to take a nap is any time Monday thru Friday from 9 to 5, except between the hours of 12 and 2.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Never tease an armed midget with a high five.

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Quote of the week:    “Keep some folks’ unwanted phone numbers in your phone just so you’ll know not to answer when they call.”