Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Delta Burke will show up in your wet dream.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
The pimple on your forehead may take attention away from the booger in your nose.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
HR can do nothing about the thief that stole the yogurt you took from your coworker’s lunch bag when they weren’t looking.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You will get more play by changing your telephone number to 1-800-Rent-a-Midget.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your character is measured by the length of your shoe strings.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
It is no joincidence with a “c” that joker is poker with a “j”.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You needn’t try to keep score today, mainly because you have trouble counting pass “5”.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Today the words “Because I said so” will either get you ignored or peed on.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Giving wedgies is the new American greeting. The risk is it may be your last hello.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You will not be offended by being called a shithead by someone who has three nipples and speaks with a lisp.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The best time to take a nap is any time Monday thru Friday from 9 to 5, except between the hours of 12 and 2.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Never tease an armed midget with a high five.
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Quote of the week: “Keep some folks’ unwanted phone numbers in your phone just so you’ll know not to answer when they call.”
