Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
No day is complete without 50 rotten eggs and a chainsaw.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You haven’t lived until you’ve had your knees massaged in Asia.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
A skeleton in your closet will determine the price of a secret you’re trying to keep.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
100% of paperwork = 10% of a paycheck.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
A numerical answer to an arithmetic problem is the letter “C”.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
It is strongly advised that tomorrow you kiss no one but old people, babies and fools.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Welcome to McDonald’s. How can I mess up your stomach today?
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
A true pervert does not approve of the phrase, “You are what you eat.”
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
It’s obvious that the numbers you should play at the lottery are the winning ones. Duh.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Food for Thought: Oxygen masks on airplanes are really meant to muffle passengers’ screams when their plane is about to crash.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You might be a stupid person if you laugh three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when you actually get the joke, and a third time when you realize you were laughing without getting the joke at first.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You will piss off a relatively close blind person/friend. It’ll be likely they’ll never speak to you ever again after being reminded of the phrase, “out of sight; out of mind.”
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Quote of the Week: “Everyone wants to reform but no one wants to change.”
