Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

No day is complete without 50 rotten eggs and a chainsaw.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You haven’t lived until you’ve had your knees massaged in Asia.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A skeleton in your closet will determine the price of a secret you’re trying to keep.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

100% of paperwork = 10% of a paycheck.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A numerical answer to an arithmetic problem is the letter “C”.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It is strongly advised that tomorrow you kiss no one but old people, babies and fools.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Welcome to McDonald’s. How can I mess up your stomach today?

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A true pervert does not approve of the phrase, “You are what you eat.”

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It’s obvious that the numbers you should play at the lottery are the winning ones. Duh.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Food for Thought: Oxygen masks on airplanes are really meant to muffle passengers’ screams when their plane is about to crash.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You might be a stupid person if you laugh three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when you actually get the joke, and a third time when you realize you were laughing without getting the joke at first.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will piss off a relatively close blind person/friend. It’ll be likely they’ll never speak to you ever again after being reminded of the phrase, “out of sight; out of mind.”

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Quote of the Week:    “Everyone wants to reform but no one wants to change.”