Monthly Archives: May 2013

Weekend Forecast: Mostly Drunk with a Chance of Horny

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WeekendEveryone looks forward to the weekend after a long, grueling week of schmoozing with a bunch of coworkers at the workhouse (usually against one’s own personal will) for five days, forty hours and two and a half hours worth of fifteen minute breaks. But no matter how much everyone psyches themselves up for an abbreviated two-day weekend, the weekend is almost always two days minus thirty hours. Most working class citizens spend more time in a company staff meeting.

Never the less, even though the weekend is over by the time we complete a single blink of an eye, there’s no denying that the time away from the office is dedicated to excessive drinking, inhuman amounts of grease and sugar consumption, and unforgettable sex with strangers that are picked up behind an oversized trash dumpster of any Pizza Hut restaurant chain.

Oh, wait. Is that what weekends are for or any day that ends in the letter “Y”?  Same thing.

Weekend is Among Us

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Quote of the Week:  “There aren’t enough days in a weekend.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 26-June 1, 2013

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flying cat

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If a long term relationship is what you seek, start investing now in shares of Grey Goose because the idiot that agrees to date you is sure to drive you to drink.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A paper weight has a more interesting story to tell than you.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Get your fill of food by eating all the free samples at the local Sam’s, Costco or BJ’s. In other words, this week don’t change your already greedy and cheap ways.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Ancient Scandinavians believed the Holiest Cow “Auðumbla” was the one that suckled the Gods. You may not know what that means but it’ll sound good in your head for the rest of the day.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Someone is itching to punch you in the throat for your overly eternal optimism, incessant cheerfulness and sunny disposition. And by “someone” I mean the homeless guy standing behind you.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You should host a BYOB weekend bash this weekend and invite only your closest imaginary friends. Don’t be offended if no one shows up.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The socially awkward will cling to you like a static sock to a pant leg.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your personality is an exact replica of a bill collector.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Ebonics and teenage slang count as being bilingual.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You might be genetically linked to whatever the crap is that makes jeans  fall off someone’s ass.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A rabbit with a gun is more dangerous than a dog without a leg to hump – arguably.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If a charlatan shows a brief bit of interest in you, it’s probably because you are stranger than they are. Go for it. You may not get this chance again for many moons.

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Quote of the week:    “Sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”

The Lack of Luck from Bird Poop

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If you were to ask almost anyone if a bird pooping on your head was considered  good luck, they’d probably tell you “yes.” Most likely because of some myth or superstition they heard while growing up or while chug-a-lugging at a beer keg party in college or some after-hours church function. But you didn’t ask just anyone; you asked me. …well you didn’t ask, I volunteered – same thing in my book. Anyway my answer would be “no!”

If I were to swing from a vine with my pants down to my ankles and shitted on your head, would you consider that to be good luck? I don’t think so. The luck you would incur from me actually pooping on your head is if you were to catch me and beat the crap (some pun intended) out of me. With this example in mind, if a bird does decide to do his business on your head, your luck will only change for the better if you’re lucky enough not to get crapped on again.

Think about it. If you have droppings of any kind to fall on your head you’d most likely have stinky hair, and no matter how much you wash your hair, you’ll forever be dubbed with the nickname “Shithead.”

If it’ll make you feel any better, birds don’t just fly through the air searching to find a culprit to drop a load on. Well not all birds. I’m sure there’s a renegade or two up there. But since most birds (most of us are used to ghetto pigeons) are scavengers, they are full of shit from the garbage they eat. And while they must carry their own weight, logically it must be difficult to sail through the hair with a heavy load of excrement in their tummy, so they blow it out in order to travel light. When you look at it that way, it’s clear that they aren’t pooping on you purposely. It’s not you. It’s the shit they eat.

Still you can’t beat inevitability. It’s a proven fact that shit happens.

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Quote of the Week:  “Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 19-25, 2013

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Unpredictable

The month is May; the year 2013. Let’s see what kind of luck is seen and unseen. Hold on to your shorts because this will be a ride as good luck and bad luck unluckily collides.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you ever wonder why frisbees get bigger as they get closer, wait. It’ll hit you.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your next idea will be two sizes too small for your head. Either your ideas are too small or your head is too big.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend’s forehead.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Can’t get rid of a cough? Go home and eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, then you’ll be afraid to cough. Problem solved.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You’re filled with a bunch of creative %#@! called crap.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you’re lucky you’ll run across a dragon slayer who’s peddling his weapons as kitchen utensils.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You have what it takes to make sleeping a competitive event in the world Olympics.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The one thing your stomach craves the most is the one thing you will not have in your refrigerator.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Beware of being held prisoner in a Chinese laundry.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A day without sunshine is like night.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.

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Quote of the week:   “Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘THEIRS’?

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

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Dear Hottywood, 

I have absolutely no energy today. I don’t know why. I didn’t do anything all weekend. Now in addition to me having no energy, enthusiasm or motivation, I have the Monday blues. I’m grouchy and I don’t want anyone to talk to me even less than I want to speak to anyone else. Do you have any suggestions for a pick-me-up? 

Slave to the Weekend,

Dear Slave to the Weekend,

SoTiredConsidering you just told me that you sat on your ass all weekend, telling you to slow down from a busy lifestyle to get a proper amount of rest is out the window. Besides eating properly (inhaling fewer double bacon cheeseburgers), hydrating (excluding root beer floats and malt liquor beers) and exercising (jack rabbit sex does not fall into this category…this time), sleeping should do the trick to boost your energy.

But if the rest you’ve gotten from doing nothing all weekend hasn’t motivated you to be an active member of society; if you’ve eaten only half of a cheeseburger, a quarter less of a root beer float and had sex with yourself by yourself, and you’re still tired, chances are your lack of energy comes from you being lazy. And if that’s the case, increasing your energy levels must begin with you wanting to do something more than wasting space.

Here are a few practical suggestions for you:

Do interesting things.

Find something interesting to do with your time like making fun of people whose socks don’t match the rest of their outfit. You’ll find that laughter is a natural recharge for most Earthlings.

Music is always a good way to re-energize yourself provided you aren’t deaf. If you’re deaf, you obviously can’t hear any music and therefore this suggestion is of no use to you.

Read more HottywoodHelps.com (shameless plug).

Reduce Stress.

You’d be surprised how much cleaning up your clutter (especially your house/bedroom and negative, pointless and/or stupid people in your life) will zap your psyche and pull you to your feet.

Spend less time pretending to care about things you don’t care about like listening to someone actually answer your question when you robotically ask, “How are you doing today?”

Take frequent bubble baths and showers (or bird baths in public restrooms – however you keep your ass clean) in order to keep your body from carrying heavy amounts of filth build-up. Being dirty is hard work and hard work is a proven fact of making anyone tired [or lazy].

Exercise.

Have a lot of sex with a lot of people; preferably random people that you don’t know. Not only will it boost your energy; it will boost your ego. It’ll also boost your chances of contracting an STD, but hey – you can’t win ‘em all.

Tell the Chinese carryout cooks to increase the number of shrimp they put in your egg rolls. If your egg rolls are heavier, you’ll have a stronger chance of increasing your muscle mass, particularly your six pack one pack stomach muscle.

If none of these suggestions help your case then you are a lost cause and there’s nothing I, nor anyone else, can do for you.

Best of luck.

Hottywood

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

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Dear Hottywood, 

My pal calls or texts me nearly a hundred times a day with some cockamamie story about him being victimized in some way. The bottom line is he is a chronic complainer. What can I do to make him stop?

Sign,

Hear No Evil See No Evil

Dear Hear No Evil See No Evil,

Get Over YourselfUnfortunately the only way to get him to chill with the complaints is to sew his lips shut with barbed wire – although that might run the risk of you sitting the rest of your life out in an electric chair, which coincidentally is your next option.

Sadly, most chronic complainers don’t view themselves as complainers at all. They believe what they are doing is sharing entertaining stories with you. And since you listen, they find no reason to stop. You’re going to have to be truthful with him and kick him in the throat; tell him he’s depressing the shit out of you; tell him he’s sucking the air out of his own existence and yours, too; tell him he needs to learn how to appreciate the happier things in life.  You should be warned though that anything you do or say will cause him to think you don’t want to hear about his gripes. And even though you don’t, he’ll take it much more harshly than the pain of being kicked in the throat.

Being truthful by telling him that he’s not exactly a ray of sunshine will be nothing more than a waste of your time and the pin that pops the balloon of your friendship. You can top his victimizing stories with your own, but that takes more effort than what’s it worth. You can saw your ears off with a fingernail file, but ears make a person so much more appealing. You can drown yourself in a pitcher of water, but that’s not as easy as it sounds. Believe me. I’ve tried.

I’ll tell you what you should do. Build a carbon copy of yourself out of Popsicle sticks and Elmer’s glue. He’ll be so consumed in himself that he won’t realize that you’re more bored stiff than usual. He’ll keep going on and on and on and the reaction that he doesn’t get out of you will easily be mistaken for your overwhelming interest in his less than interesting story. Problem solved!

No need to thank me. Hottywood Helps! It’s what I do.

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 12-18, 2013

by in HORRORscopes and tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Clairvoyant

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You are likely to be reincarnated as an albino garden snake.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Be careful. Chances are you may sprain your ankle playing dominoes.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Beware of an attack by a swarm of grasshoppers.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

When one door opens, you’ll find another door behind it you never knew existed. Push. Don’t pull.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime. Just ask your ex.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You have a very slappable face.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Better to let it out and be ashamed than to hold it back and bust a vein.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Never put an ice cream cone in your back pocket on a Wednesday.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Oddly enough, it isn’t a good idea to drive blindfolded while operating a unicycle.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

It is considered rude to walk an unleased cow down a main street after 1:00 PM on Sundays, but what do you care with your rude ass?

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

It’s bad luck to have sex in the back of an ambulance while it is responding to an emergency call.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You have the bladder of a beer-hooked goldfish.

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Quote of the week:    “Teacher: Why are you talking during my lesson?  Student: Why are teaching during my conversation?”