Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

One day you might become president of an up-and-coming bubble gum company.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A stripper’s stage costume is living proof that less is more.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A fart is the ghost of foods you’ve eaten in the past.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

While having sex, the last words you want to hear are, “I’m just not feeling it.”

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Travel to Australia to see your career going down the drain, but in the opposite direction and on a Tuesday afternoon any time after one o’clock.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

One can tell how smart you are by what you laugh at.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

An umbrella will answer all of your problems except the problem you have with talking to umbrellas.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Take a long look at yourself in the mirror. If you see nothing, you may very well be a vampire. Avoid pointy tree branches, garlic powder and alcoholics with open wounds.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

By the end of the second day of your giving up cookies, you will realize for the first time what it feels like for a smoker to give up cigarettes.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today is the day hell freezes over. Surprise someone you only talk to when you need something by calling them and not asking for anything.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are about to become $8.95 poorer.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You can’t plant roots in cement without an active imagination, some magic seeds and a couple of rubber bands.

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Quote of the week:    “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”