Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
One day you might become president of an up-and-coming bubble gum company.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
A stripper’s stage costume is living proof that less is more.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
A fart is the ghost of foods you’ve eaten in the past.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
While having sex, the last words you want to hear are, “I’m just not feeling it.”
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Travel to Australia to see your career going down the drain, but in the opposite direction and on a Tuesday afternoon any time after one o’clock.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
One can tell how smart you are by what you laugh at.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
An umbrella will answer all of your problems except the problem you have with talking to umbrellas.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Take a long look at yourself in the mirror. If you see nothing, you may very well be a vampire. Avoid pointy tree branches, garlic powder and alcoholics with open wounds.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
By the end of the second day of your giving up cookies, you will realize for the first time what it feels like for a smoker to give up cigarettes.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Today is the day hell freezes over. Surprise someone you only talk to when you need something by calling them and not asking for anything.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You are about to become $8.95 poorer.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You can’t plant roots in cement without an active imagination, some magic seeds and a couple of rubber bands.
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Quote of the week: “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”
As always, extremely wise and insightful, yet, as always, I will be hungry for more in an hour. Loved the Farts are ghosts of foods we’ve eaten in the past. Brilliant 🙂 As a Leo, I’ll be avoiding mirrors today…