Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 12-18, 2013

Clairvoyant

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You are likely to be reincarnated as an albino garden snake.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Be careful. Chances are you may sprain your ankle playing dominoes.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Beware of an attack by a swarm of grasshoppers.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

When one door opens, you’ll find another door behind it you never knew existed. Push. Don’t pull.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime. Just ask your ex.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You have a very slappable face.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Better to let it out and be ashamed than to hold it back and bust a vein.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Never put an ice cream cone in your back pocket on a Wednesday.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Oddly enough, it isn’t a good idea to drive blindfolded while operating a unicycle.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

It is considered rude to walk an unleased cow down a main street after 1:00 PM on Sundays, but what do you care with your rude ass?

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

It’s bad luck to have sex in the back of an ambulance while it is responding to an emergency call.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You have the bladder of a beer-hooked goldfish.

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Quote of the week:    “Teacher: Why are you talking during my lesson?  Student: Why are teaching during my conversation?”

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