Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You are likely to be reincarnated as an albino garden snake.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Be careful. Chances are you may sprain your ankle playing dominoes.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Beware of an attack by a swarm of grasshoppers.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
When one door opens, you’ll find another door behind it you never knew existed. Push. Don’t pull.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime. Just ask your ex.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You have a very slappable face.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Better to let it out and be ashamed than to hold it back and bust a vein.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Never put an ice cream cone in your back pocket on a Wednesday.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Oddly enough, it isn’t a good idea to drive blindfolded while operating a unicycle.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
It is considered rude to walk an unleased cow down a main street after 1:00 PM on Sundays, but what do you care with your rude ass?
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
It’s bad luck to have sex in the back of an ambulance while it is responding to an emergency call.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You have the bladder of a beer-hooked goldfish.
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Quote of the week: “Teacher: Why are you talking during my lesson? Student: Why are teaching during my conversation?”
“You have a very slappable face…” Hahahahahahaha! Glad I’m a Leo.